HELLO I AM SORRY THIS TOOK LONG AND IS LONG BUT I DID BLOW BY BLOW ANALYSIS IF I SAID SOMETHING HARSH I DIDN"T MEAN TO AND CALL ME OUT
Okay so I was looking over this again as promised, and I agree with your assessment that it is a little long. I admittedly don’t have the longest attention span but I found myself skimming through the blurb.
This doesn’t tell us anything about him, how he feels about this. Does he want to be a king, or does he rebel against it? SOmething small like “was set against his will before it even began” or “To be a strong king leading a stable nation was the life Tristan craved, etc.” would give something for your readers to connect to about this character.
But a plan decades in the making threatens to upend all of that.
Not knowing how Tristan feels about this life set out for him leaves the reader wondering if they should glad or upset that this is happening. ALso this is breaking out of he pov of Tristan, idk if that was the goal or if it matters but just pointing it out.
starting with an assassination, the target - Regina’s Queen, his mother.
Maybe try something like? “But his perfectly (or hated idk how he feels) ordered life is upended when his own mother is assassinated in a dark plot years in the making.”
Her death had once sent him spiraling out of control, almost ruining himself and his nation, but discovering it was engineered by the crown’s enemies makes him determined to get revenge, even if it’s against his father’s wishes.
this is a little confusing bc you start off telling the reader “hey she was killed in a plot and it upended his life” and then its’ “by the way he actually didn’t know that so this is what happens.” The emotional impact is muddled a bit and it sounds repetituous at first, even though it is giving emotional context.
what i’d suggest is this:
"But his (ADJECTIVE) ordered life is upended when his own mother, the queen, is brutally murdered, driving him and the nation to the edge of ruin. But this tragedy was merely the first step in a dark plot years in the making, and Tristan is set upon revenge, regardless of his father’s wishes."
Obvs you don’t have to do exactly this, or even this at all. Do you see where the reader is now learning the sad backstory is part of a plot at the same time as the MC, so they can connect his emotional response in the same breath?
so this gives us a little more of an instant view in to the charcter’s feelings, which is good! But “all he did in her youth” is very vague. I understand keeping it short, but how grave are these things he did? Is this like “teasing her through school” stuff or “murdered her pets one by one” stuff? if there is any way to indicate how serious the bad blood is between them will increase the reader’s investment.
But with the war looming, stability is an ever important message, and their rushed engagement is meant to cement the monarchy, whether she’s ready for it or not.
so she doesn’t want it?
As she finds closure, the king threatens to break their engagement for a political alliance that’s more favorable
this is good right? she doesnt want it so the reader should be glad?
– an engagement with the leader of the opposition,
Isn’t the forced engagement rushed because it was needed to save the alliance?
and Avery scrambles to save their love by proving the kingdom cannot fall to a traitor.
So she does want it? I thought she didn’t want to marry Tristan, cus it was “rushed”, “whether or not she was ready,” and she was “finding closure” to it.
In the previous sentence the reader was told that she was being forced into an engagment she didn’t want to save the monarchy and it was super important. Now the reader is being told the exact opposite, that she does want it, the engagmlent actually is not just unimportant but not want they want her to do. I’m sure it makes sense in the story, but the way it’s written here it feels confusing which will make it hard to reader to know what exactly the stakes are and what they’re rooting for
why are they both doing the opposite? I understand why Tristan is looking for the truth-- he wants answers about his mom. But why is Avery sus? That hasnt been indicated through what we know about her. Are they doing good cop bad cop or tag team? Are they working separately but happen to be on the same path?
both attempting to prevent as much bloodshed as possible. But angry, ancient powers are stirring after centuries, and their arrival may mean the end of the world. Can the two bring the nation together before the rise? Or will the world burn?
So, the first paragraph being up the nefarious plot set in motion by the crown prince’s enemies and then we heard about trying to marry Avery off to another prince which is presumably linked to the queen killers… now we;re being told bout ancient powers being awoken. It feels like the threat of the conspiracy falls off a little bit. SInce you say teh ancient powers is more a book two thing, maybe try and focus on the espionage/ decades long plan in this blurb as teh antagonist?
Also another thing: Avery’s motive for doing stuff seems to be keeping the kingdom together but also “scrambling to save their love.” Does Trisatn love Avery? Is their relationship a serious stake/threat in the story or just a motive for Avery and Tristan doesn’t care? That may be something to establish in the blurb, is there romantic tension going on as teh two are trying to solve their distinct cases that converge?
I’m sorry this is essay length and a bit rambly but i really hope it helps. I think you have a great start for sure!