Description feedback needed

I had a thread before asking for advice on a summary, but I never got around to posting the new description and simply let the thread automatically close. After finally finding time to edit the summary, I could use some feedback.

I tried to incorporate all the advice given to revise it and I hope this puts me closer to the goal of a solid description for Complexity of Hollis. It’s still missing something, I just don’t know what.

Original description

HOLLIS ARDEN has never had patience for relationships, and her five month casual-sex fling doesn’t count. Heartbreak isn’t her style, choosing the avoid it at every cost when possible, to throw herself into her work. No one to love her, no heartbreak, nothing to hold her back… except maybe that one time…

FOSTER BRENNAN has always wanted That One Person in his life, searching for love at every chance, only to have his heart crushed under the many heels of ex girlfriends. Maybe he believed in tales of falling in love with the right person at one point, but he begins to doubt himself and the stories he was always told.

IT WAS SUPPOSED to be just business between the two, and now Foster wants to learn more about the complexities of Hollis.

Main idea

The point of the story is, basically, a relationship doesn’t fix their problems , which is something I see a lot of on Wattpad and in real life. Foster is trying to fix his problems with a relationship, and Hollis views a relationship as a problem which is where the two collide. She wants it casual with Foster, and Foster falls for her (because he is, as you said, a simp) and she wants to try it out. But all it does is create a negative energy in the relationship, and within a relationship (where Hollis is brutally honest) they discover “oh, this doesn’t work for me”.

Foster decides that he needs to find a purpose in life besides chasing after the same happiness that his parents had because it’s not his happiness, and Hollis is just extremely career focused and isn’t quite ready for a relationship, also deciding to address some issues that cause her fear of relationships. She opens up to the idea of settling down when she has herself set straight.

It’s a little more of a deeper meaning than some romance books might have, but it’s something that I seldom do see and feel the need to write, to express two sides of me that are constantly conflicted when it comes to relationships.

New description

“A hopeless romantic and a serial one night stand walk into a bar…”

… and their lives forever change.

Foster has always been chasing for a purpose in life, a happiness, but isn’t so sure he wants it anymore after a recent breakup that’s left him crushed and hopeless. Once upon a time, he might have believed in finding the One, and now he’s not so sure.

Until he meets a complex woman, Hollis.

Hollis has never had patience for relationships, and her five month casual-sex fling doesn’t count. With a past still haunting her, she’s reluctant to consider a relationship, let alone with this man she just met in a bar of all the places.

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Okay, first of all, why do you have the quotes and italics on the first? I like the idea, but I think you should keep it as an entire sentence before the blurb without the quotes and the italic and if you really want, you can add in a quote from the book with that formatting.

There’s a ton of repetition here with the idea of ‘he’s not sure.’ Could you try to do something else with his character? So like: Foster has always been chasing a purpose - one which he believes will come from love. But when a recent break-up leaves him crushed and hopeless, he no longer believes in finding the One.

I like what you’re trying to do here, but I feel you should ‘show’ the complexity instead of ‘tell’ it. Something like: Until he meets Hollis - an infuriating and contradictory woman, who seems to hate him yet want him. (of course, I’ve made some assumptions, but this is purely an example)

Like what you’ve done here! :+1:

Minor correction: don’t use ‘a past,’ use ‘her past,’ or ‘the past.’

Okay I like this. But is this all? Your blurb seems to end in a weird place. We need some sort of concluding climax, some bigger hook. Something like: But when the universe keeps pushing them together, how can they ignore the sparks between them?

I’ve made a lot of assumptions about your story, and these are just my inputs and suggestions. I think you have a solid starting place, and it is better than your previous version, I like the direction you’re going in with this one. I’ve just given my thoughts on how I think you can tighten it up and improve it.

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It was going to be a quote from the story :sweat_smile:

Yes but no, I would think. I haven’t developed their relationship that much to decide whether she hates him or if she’s simply not compatible with him. She’s just unsure about him in general.

That’s what I’m saying — it just hit a dead end and I couldn’t get that final hook. It’s missing something and I can’t think of what could top it off

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Yeah, but this way it just works clunky.

Yeah, so SHOW that to the readers, like she’s gonna give him mixed signals, right? So maybe she seems to want him at one time and then is very cold him a day later. So use that.

Makes sense. But you’ll get there, this is a very solid attempt!

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Attempt 3.5

A hopeless romantic and a serial one night stand walk into a bar…
… and their lives forever change.
Foster has always been chasing for a purpose in life, a happiness, but isn’t so sure it exists anymore following a recent breakup that’s left him crushed and hopeless.
Until he meets Hollis — a complex woman who stole his heart with just a glance, although she has no desire to keep it.
Hollis has never had patience for relationships, and her five month casual-sex fling doesn’t count. With the past still haunting her, she’s reluctant to consider a relationship, let alone with this man she just met in a bar of all the places.
It shouldn’t even be an option, but what else are you supposed to do in your twenties?

Note

I still can’t get that final hook

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I think you’re pretty much there-except for the last hook, but I know you’re working on it.