How do you know if you're ace or demi?

The Necromancer's Lair
1

I’m trying to figure myself out because truthfully, I have moments where I think I’m demisexual, and moments where I don’t think I am, and moments where I think I’m ace. I understand it’s a spectrum so I could literally be anything at this point and shouldn’t get caught up in labels, but I’d like to understand myself a little better.

So a bit about me… I don’t necessarily get sexual attraction. Like, I can think someone looks cute and want to be in a relationship with them, but I don’t really look at people and be like, “Man, I’d love to sleep with you.” The only person I’ve only ever thought that with is a guy who doesn’t know I exist… Tom Hiddleston. Because honestly, I’d marry that man in a heartbeat. But with the general population? Absolutely not. Usually it’s “I’d love to call you my boyfriend/husband” to “Um… can you hug me and never let go?” So that right there makes me question it because my sisters think about sex a lot. Then again, they have a high libido whereas I do not… necessarily.

I’m a 26 year old virgin, but I’ve never really thought about sex in that way. Like, I’ve wondered what it’s like and sometimes have fantasies, but it’s not like I’m crazy about it like most are. And if I ever had a boyfriend, I’d consider having sex or might want to if perhaps I do feel connected, but truthfully, I’m on the line of “I don’t really care” and “ew, sex is gross.” :sweat_smile:

The other thing is masturbation. While I deny it to family because that is really embarrassing and makes me feel weird because yes, unfortunately my sisters have asked such questions and they’re oddly open with me, I actually do masturbate. Now, I’ve read that aces and demis do masturbate, some more so than others, because it’s like an itch you need scratching. And to me, that’s exactly how I feel. I masturbate roughly once or twice a week, depending, but I consider it as an itching need. But sometimes I feel as though you’re not part of the spectrum because it’s still a sexual thing… right?

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

3 Likes
3

Hello!

Thought I was ace up until I got in a relationship, then over time I thought the demi label fit me better. I was like you that I didn’t really get the desire to sleep with someone, nor find people attractive in that sense. I did really want to cuddle and do romantic things with someone tho, and I can find certain people/characters “aesthetically attractive” in that they look good, or I like their style.

I guess now you could wonder whether my desire to have that sort of intimacy with my bf is due to sexual attraction or as another way to feel close/connected with him. I don’t know myself, just that I do want to try sometime (but probably not something I’d want to do often, I have a rather low drive).

Something that makes me think I’m demi is that those sorts of feelings/thoughts didn’t arise immediately when I got in the relationship. It was gradual, took several months.

Could add, I’ve never had the desire to “touch myself”. Just one of those things I never had curiosity for (nor the need to). I don’t think it has to do with being ace/demi in that way. Attraction doesn’t equal libido, as I hear. That, or I’m a weird one that just doesn’t get that “itch” :joy: :sweat_smile:

In the end, how you label yourself (if you want to, some prefer not to) is totally up to you and how you feel. I picked based on what felt like it described my feelings and experiences better, and I heard from someone that you don’t have to stick with a certain label for life, sexual identity is one of those things that can evolve over time.

2 Likes
4

Realistically…aren’t most people demisexual? A lot of people need an emotional bond to experience sexual attraction. Having casual sex isn’t actually amazingly common, especially amongst women—testosterone is a pain when it comes to libido, admittedly. Been there, done that.

1 Like
5

At least seasonally.

Outside of an intense cycle or me deliberately focusing on it, I can go months without any real interest other than the amusement of meeting a partner’s needs. But an uptick and focus on it and I’ll meet the definitions of an old school nympho.

In this case, some of that wouldn’t be drive but ADHD. I mean, I get interest some time during the middle of the day, get caught up in a project, and it’s time to crash where there was no needs met for anyone. And it gets an, “Oh, I’m going to have to be deliberate again.”

Masturbation being mechanical tends to have a mechanical mindset to it. You’re doing it with a person in mind, that’s focus on others. Just doing it while thinking about chores means that is just a chore.

And then there’s my roommate. She feels nothing during the act–no stimulation. Has had more relationships than me because she wanted the emotional connection and cuddle partner. But if you called her a demi or ace she would lose her ever-loving mind.

2 Likes
6

Never been interested in sex. Never experience sexual attraction. Never been turned on. I don’t get it. Probaby never will get it. I’m ace :joy:

2 Likes
7

Nope, they aren’t. Learned this the hard way. It’s normal to want to make a move on someone and flit with them because you find them physically attractive. Demisexuality is not finding that person attractive in that way unless you get a good feel for their personality and how they click with you. Like all people will randomly chat up someone because they think they’re hot and try and make a relationship happen for example while demi people would go “yeah the person looks nice but I wouldn’t do anything with them.” Like people will list their turn-ons or physical characteristics they really like and what not while demi people would be like “I don’t know what my ideal person is, I haven’t met them yet”

3 Likes
8

I’m demiromantic and demisexual and it was a hard process. There’s a misconception that romantic and sexual attraction are one and the same but it isn’t. You may be alloromantic and want to cuddle someone because you find them hot but not go beyond that which sounds like is being described there. Demisexual on other hand you would need to know the person really well in order to have that sexual attraction and having a libido doesn’t mean you experience sexual attraction. The person of interest would have to activate the sexuality essentially. For all people, the activation isn’t very hard, it comes more easily. For demi people, they need a lot more warming up to activate that.

Asexuality is really hard to define because it’s a label that isn’t there rather than what is there. It’s a huge process that all ace people have to go through where they just detangle what sort of attraction they’re experiencing and try to categorize it. It’s like being handed a job with no instructions. I got a graph to describe these different types of attraction and I hope you find it useful.


it looks like there’s a typo on the last graphic, it says immortal instead of immoral but it conveys what it’s depicting well enough

6 Likes
9

Also, I moved your thread to #the-chatters:all-hues since it seemed better suited there.

-Joy

10

Thought I was ace for a long time. (This is going to get a bit personal, so I’ll blurr out those sections.) I didn’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend (until now), and I never considered a relationship to be a priority in my life which I’ve noticed is something many are fixated on. Why I did date in middle school (because everyone else was) I wasn’t comfortable in the relationship and thought the idea of all the physical interactions kind of gross and really terrifying. After I got over the initial peer-pressure, I never seriously considered having a relationship with someone. I thought “if it happens and I like the person enough, great” but didn’t waste time over crushes or asking people out or worrying about dates.

As for masturbation, well, I’d read that ace people do that. Feeling that kind of urge/desire was natural and masturbation is healthy/helps me sleep. I did, however, have a low sex drive at the time (though this was probably due to hormonal imbalances). I had never felt sexual attraction for anyone. The act of sex itself wasn’t a turn-off for me, per-say, but doing it with someone else felt disgusting to me, like I would rather do anything else than have sex.

So, I went through life kind of chill with the whole idea of romance and all that. There were a couple times where I confused “friend” for “crush”, but 1) those relationships never went anywhere and, 2) they were never guided by any sexual desire. Only a somewhat “romantic” one, like me wanting to hang out with them often.

And then I met my current boyfriend.

We were really great friends, often best friends, for two years. We knew one another really well and I think it’s fair to say that, from the beginning, my friendship with him was distinctly different from my friendships with other people. How I know this is the level of intimacy presented in the relationship. Although there wasn’t any sexual desire for a long time, I’d always felt a want/desire to always be around him, to talk to him, I would think about him constantly, confide in him my deepest darkest secrets (and visa.versa). Overall, it was kind of more from the beginning.

There were a few times before we’d gotten together and during the “courtship” process (which was about three/four months long) that I thought I felt sexual interest in him and once tried to think of him in that way. I felt weird about it.

When we officially got together, there was this moment where I wanted to be close to him, close as possible, close in every way imaginable. It wasn’t about the sex necessarily (although this played a part) but the emotional intimacy of the act and the fact that it was him–the person I trusted and loved the most.

So yeah, that’s basically how I learned I was not asexual but demi-sexual.

I think the key difference, when you know you feel that way towards something, is that the emotional intimacy plays a huge part in being demisexual (at least for me). Why, if I were to try and imagine myself with a random stranger (let’s say a movie star, for example, as I’ve noticed a lot of people do this), this would be very disgusting and uncomfortable to me. For me, I need that emotional connection to feel sexual attraction. For me also, it was the official starting of our relationship that really pivoted my feelings in that direction.

2 Likes
11

Human sexuality is mediated primarily by androgens; it’s why you won’t really see sexual disinterest in males, and in females libido tends to pick up mid-cycle and also towards menopause (where the ratio between the two sex hormones decreases).

I haven’t been taking my androgen shots (because in US-Lite I can’t actually afford them right now, lmaoo), so my sexual disinterest has been through the roof. This is a marked distinction from how I am on androgens and I don’t particularly think it says anything about me. Of course I’m not interested in sexual intimacy right now—my androgen levels are tragic. Of course everything currently feels mechanical.

It’s a little like any other kind of addiction. It releases dopamine, your brain creates an association, and rewards you next time you do it. It doesn’t particularly really have to be sexual. I’ve gotten off after tragic news because I needed the dopamine.

Damn are we related lmaoo. I got off more on the mental highs than anything else.

TL;DR I should really stop researching chemicals even though that’s kinda my thing and stuff.

12

Yeah, that’s a huge part to it, which is why I put this stuff as seasonal for most people.

The problem is THEN going to be how much of this is my identity that I’ll accept vs. how much of this needs to be hormonally adjusted because it’s my body crying out for help.

Not being interested in sex itself (outside of being currently in a relationship) is a blessing. You’re not eating up your time with being this form of frustrated, looking for something to deal with an itch, wouldn’t be enough for me to go “Yay, hormone balancing time!” It’s the secondary issues with it.

For example, I know that my levels of progesterone have a direct influence on my level of crazy. But I take a spike of that when I’m inducing a period because endometriosis isn’t safe and just increases weight gain, which I don’t need.

But I’m in my 40s. My cycle is the most stable it’s ever been (due to testosterone finally dropping). I’ll probably shift into menopause this next decade. I don’t see me having to rely on that anymore. And that stuff naturally spikes around ovulation, so I don’t see me messing with this, keeping my hormones high enough to always want it.

Exactly. Which is funny because it may mean that those who think of a person or situation may be feeding associations when that stuff turns them on later and not directly be interested as much as they believe they are. That means anyone with effort could turn this into a more androgynous release and slowly bleed off various associations. You can undo fetishes (kinks), interest, a while host of things on purpose over the years.

The implications are that you are more what you choose to be than what you actually are, over time. There is still a factor that stems from early childhood or “born this way”. But this always scares people because this starts encroaching on forcing people to be things they are not.

You can hold both things as true: the whole of who you are can be unchangeable, but what you do with who you are is totally malleable. It’s a pretty big deal because it’s the whole basis for why consent is a necessity–we are capable of outright denial of drives. There is no complete “I can’t help myself”. Even actual addicts find it easy to delay a hit for a $20 (in current addiction studies), although not forever (because addiction is still bigger than just control).

At least with this thing, you’ve got your hand, you don’t need to hurt someone else for what you are not fully in control of. Sex is a self-substance.

But if I need the release for other reasons than the hornies, I’m far more likely to eat a modest meal and take a nap first. With all these littles running around, a balancing snack is the most reasonable to have access to.

Only stop for those things that are more important. Knowing too much is an asset outside of that. Lol

1 Like
13

What’s funny is that the disgust isn’t out the window with a higher interest.

For example, ticklish and turned on, from experience, are the same neural paths. Which means that things I find disgusting (that are ticklish) at any other moment but IN the moment are just gross as hell. Some of it’s conventional stuff like having anything touch my neck. It’s a natural weather vane for the spouse because if I’m curling up in a ball and shrieking with laughter, yeah, there’s no “in the mood” home. He’s looking for that point where it shifts and he has my attention.

Now, the laughter is good for me, so sometimes the goal is to just have me roughhousing. That is fine, not everything is sex, after all. Serious grumpy lady needs to learn to play more. But sometimes the goal is to shift it a hair and to walk away because it’s a tease.

Part of this is also age vs. curiosity, as well. Experimentation (which doesn’t have to be anything crazy) is easier to test when you’re secure. I don’t care if you’re the most adventurous person out there, having an adventure with someone is a valuable commodity. It doesn’t cheapen just because you’re excitable.

But anywho…
Just like there are people who get off to shame, there’s plenty who get off to disgust, who are pushing the edge of what they find gross and turning that into their kink.

14

I shortened the bottom half of my response because it got kinda long and it was bothering me :stuck_out_tongue: This is less about how I know if I’m ace or demi, but more about how I know I am ace. I do get into a little about if I think I’m demi or not.

When I found out I was ace, the word “demisexual” wasn’t as widespread and by the time it was, I never felt like bothering with anything else. All the spectrums gray and this and that were overwhelming me. I’m ace and that’s that.

Like you, I never looked at some guy and thought “gee, I wanna sleep with them” and I never got it when people say they find a guy “hot”. I can understand what a typical attractive person looks like. But not feel attracted to them in the same way.

@NatilladeCoco mentioned aesthetic attraction and I remember that also has a name and it sounded like a dinosaur :stuck_out_tongue: I’m also aesthetically attracted to both men and women especially if they are androgynous, and for females, if they are cool girls.

There’s this bass guitar singer Blu DeTiger and her whole thing with the bass guitar is just so cool, and she’s pretty and cool and I love her music… I feel attraction to her but not in a love kind of way. I like her looks and what she’s about. But I don’t want to actually date her or anything. I want to look at her from afar and admire her :pleading_face: UGH. she’s so cool! Courtney Hadwin, too. So cool.

I like cool people. Guitarist Marcin must also be mentioned.

About demisexual

I never looked up about what it is. So, let’s see.

Okay, so apparently they experience sexual attraction after getting into a close relationship? Then that’s not me. I’m in a permanent relationship with my partner but nothing has changed. I never feel sexually attracted to him. Not even with his shirt off or anything that other people might find attractive if their partner did it.

But I do feel attracted in that I want to cuddle with clothes on and no fondling.

About "sleeping with someone"

Still, I like the idea of being so passionately in love that you want to sleep with your partner. Watching it is fine. Reading it is fine. Doing it? Rather not if we don’t have to. I would notice the clock and see how much time has passed. I would hope it’s soon over. I would try to find jokes in it. I would get tired and sometimes even bored. Sometimes, I try to kind of get into a meditative state to really focus on the moment and be present for my partner :confused:

Sometimes, honestly, I get so tired having to do that. I can’t help but think of it as a process to eventually have children. Unfortunately, my partner doesn’t want it to be merely a process to have children and says its sad to think of it like that. Yeah, so, I’m in a little bit of a pickle with that :sweat_smile: Is this an ace thing? Idk. But I can see it as being related.

This next part is about the "itch" so to speak

I do have libido and masturbation can be a nice stress release. Sometimes though, the “itch” does not go away, or comes at the most inconvenient times, and I honestly get annoyed at it :sweat_smile: Like, please just stop. Let me get on with my life. Idk if that’s a me thing or an ace thing, but there you go.

I don’t mind not blurring that because it’s a natural thing for humans which we shouldn’t be embarrassed or secretive about, but everyone else is, so, there :stuck_out_tongue:

2 Likes
15

This is really similar to how I felt about my boyfriend when we were friends at the beginning. Something just felt different about our friendship from the start. We were very close, and the desire to be around him was much stronger compared to other friendships (even my closest friends). Then he told me that feeling was mutual, and how he often missed my presence when apart. I guess that’s how we started figuring out we liked each other beyond friendship.

In his case, he figured it out when a mutual friend asked him “how would you feel if another guy started hanging out and talking with her the same way you do?”

In my case, I started wondering what would it be like to go on dates, even wishing he’d kiss me on the cheek and hug me more often.

Oh man, this makes me more sure of my demisexuality cuz I relate a lot :open_mouth:
I feel like my desire for physical intimacy (sexual or not) comes from this same want for closeness and is mainly driven by the emotional intimacy involved. I never wanted to be that way with someone until some time after our relationship officially began (preceded by like 3 ~ 4 months of courtship)

1 Like
16

the ace fairy comes and bops you on the head and hands you a certificate. :fairy:

tbh i don’t think you can differentiate between ace and demi until you’ve had a close relationship with someone. If you experience attraction only very rarely, like with Tom Hiddleston, then you might be grey-ace.

2 Likes
17

Having been on both sides of the spectrum the differences are whack; at my typical 350ng/dl androgen levels, libido spikes nearly daily and sexual attraction requires no emotional attachment. At my baseline androgen levels, whatever that is (I got a blood test for it on Monday; haven’t got the results yet), it’s a lot more calmer, less physical and more emotional, and just a lot more effort in general.

Thus sexual attraction isn’t a thing that’s constant. It changes in response to hormones. Differences are well documented across ages and across the menstrual cycle. Lack of initial sexual attraction is actually incredibly common for women.

There’s actually so much about a person that’s considered a constant until you’re on the hormones of the opposite sex and your fundamental being has completely changed, lmaoo. It’s wild. People have less control over themselves than they think.

Knowing too much just makes me more nihilistic and misanthropic lmaoo

18

That doesn’t surprise me one bit. But then you’re looking at one of the most cynical people in this forum. Lmao

There is an old quote that I see in many iterations:

" A Little Philosophy Inclineth Mans Mind to Atheism; But Depth in Philosophy, Bringeth Mens Minds about to Religion"

I find this holds true over a large spectrum of things, not specifically atheism and religion or philosophy, but this lack of hope for people is a starting point in study, but people come back to hopeful after more years.

Part of what is an issue is we’ve watered down what hope is. Hope is the promise of things not yet seen. You work your first job expecting to get paid and you’ve never been paid before. You go onto the next job and expect to get paid because of previous pay, but you receive your pay well after you work. One day you work at a failing company and they go bankrupt before you get your last pay check. That hope based on good faith is shaken, but you have bills to pay so you strike out with hope again, onto the next job.

So, I have a honed hope for humanity off the expectations they trigger over time. It’s not a child’s hope, and it’s not the hopelessness of young adult’s experience, and I still expect a lot of bad to happen. But there’s moments when I’m kind of excited to see what will happen next because it fits in-line with humanity’s habits and resilience.

A good example for this would be my roommate’s time with Walmart, when they were doing charity fundraising. She would ask someone if they wanted to donate, give them the little paper and let them decide which level they would donate at. And so she became the highest donation collector because she let people choose what they would donate.

This same action at a restaurant where your tip is the server’s pay, and for most large tables you better put that gratuity on because most people aren’t generous. But your big tippers are far more likely to only pay the minimum if it’s been dictated to them.

So the best of this lack of faith in general humanity along with knowing that the generous will give more as long a server doesn’t demand a certain level out of them causes really good servers to know when it’s time to add a gratuity and when it’s not, increasing pay from the obligated and from the generous at the same time.

So I’d say chug away and know that you’re going to be more merciful on what people can’t help and more expecting on the parts they can.

But then I still have some hope, right?

19

Exactly this. My boyfriend finds it a bit wild that I’ve never experienced the desire to go out and participate in the one-night stand culture, which is pretty prevalent where I live, and to which he participated to some degree (which I don’t mind, people have different sexualities, and I would never judge/shame him for wanting to explore, he did it safely as well which is most important to take into account). But, truly, never experienced it before. My friends would talk about sex with their boyfriends/girlfriends, wanting to go out and do it with someone else, about their one-night-stands, etc. and why I found it all amusing, I could never relate because I never felt that desire until I held a genuine emotional connection with someone and I felt like I was in a secure environment able to express my sexual wants/desires with him. But it was all attached to him and the bond we shared.

1 Like
20

This topic was automatically closed 14 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.

21