Does anyone else feel like it’s not Christmas yet? Like we just got started with December yesterday? Only me? Mmmk.
How has your holidays been? And if you don’t celebrate the holidays, what’s been going on?
I’ve got a quite bit to unpack because I have a lot on my mind, so if you want to bypass all of that, you can skip the hidden detail thing.
But otherwise, this is what's going on with me:
I think for me, it doesn’t feel like Christmas just because this Christmas has sucked. For the most part anyway. If you don’t know, which I feel like I mention this way too many times, but if you don’t know… I live with my oldest sister in a very small house. She’s older than me by like five years (I’m 25, almost 26, by the way). And well, she’s going through her very first breakup. There’s a huge history here, but in short:
When she was in her early 20s, she moved out of my parents’ house and in with her best friend’s family. Her best friend has two other siblings—a brother and sister—and while my sister was living with them, she gained feelings for the brother after a long period of time. Now, the problem is that they’re nine years apart, so he was still a teen. She ended up moving out to come back with us after she was like 25-26ish and that relationship grew into a long-distanced one. But he liked her, she liked him, and it wasn’t anything crazy like they’ve never French kissed or anything. Most of their relationship has been pure innocence. Flash forward quite a few years to him being an adult (he’s turning 22-23, I can’t remember) and there were parts of their lives where they had their future planned. She would move out with him, they’d get married, etc. But there were multiple red flags going on like how she was still a secret to his family (he didn’t want them to know because she’s known them for half of her life, and she also wasn’t really ready to share to our parents, but we all knew she had feelings for him, and even our dad gave her blessings for a wedding), and how he didn’t always text her or didn’t make the effort to call her. She does, however, have toxic traits like how she would hack into his socials or tell him he couldn’t be friends with girls, but through this, she’d catch him in a lie. He’d do things like tell her he was going to bed, but then be up for an extra two hours texting another girl. He’d also say things like how he didn’t like to text and instead, enjoyed calling more, but he’d text other girls with no problem for no limited time.
Anyway, any time we visited them or they visited us, he never made an effort and she felt him pulling away but ignored it. And it wasn’t until last week when he said that he wanted to break up, even though they weren’t actually dating because they’ve never been on an actual first date since they’ve never been exclusive. Beside the point, there was another girl he recently met because of his new job and his parents know her parents and they like them and her (they don’t like our parents; they’re very hypocritical—that’s a whole other can of worms), and my sister got jealous and kept asking him if he had feelings for her which he constantly tore down. For months. It wasn’t until last week when he decided to say, “We’re over.” My sister went into a huge depression (which she’s still in, by the way) and went nuts. There’s a bunch of other drama that went down where it nearly ruined her relationship with his family.
Anyway, because of all this drama and this breakup, we haven’t really done anything “Christmassy” because she’s been a complete train-wreck. She’s now finally trying to do stuff and to not cry and be happy, but it’s not working. It’s gotten so bad that she’s going to go into therapy next week to talk to a counselor about her depression and anxiety and all this drama. And what’s worse is that the ex just went on his first date with that same girl he said he didn’t like. She even asked him if he liked her, and he said no, and then she said would he start dating, and he said he needed space. Uh-huh. Sure. For like, what? Ten minutes? He’s now texting this new girl every moment of the day (because she hacked into his socials earlier today, which she did a big step and deleted it all from her phone and told him to redo them so she couldn’t anymore—she also had some of his log-ins just because he could never remember his passwords), so that right there tells you he just didn’t care anymore. And he even said that he’s felt like this (like he wasn’t in love anymore) for months but never could tell her because he wasn’t brave enough. And he breaks up with her not only before Christmas, but also two weeks away from his birthday where she was going to go see him for New Years (his birthday, nearly) and she bought him and his family gifts (which she sent off today) and was going to do a carriage ride which cost her 200 dollars because it was for the entire family. But because of all the drama that happened (not only him breaking up with her, but another thing because of her toxic jealousy side), they didn’t want her to come up to see him. So now that carriage ride (which is not refundable) was basically a waste of money on her end. They’re still doing it, from what I heard, and the new girl is taking my sister’s spot on the ride. It makes me angry.
Like, why do people do this? Breakup at the worst possible moments? He either could’ve waited until after January or just said something months and months ago. UGH.
But I’m trying to be there for her as best as possible without as much judgment as I can muster (which is painfully hard because I’ve never liked him and constantly told her to breakup with him for years because she deserved better, and plus, he’s still so young and still finding himself—I mean, my sister’s doing the same at nearly thirty-one, but the majority of guys are stupid and don’t know what they want until after their 20s) but it’s been mentally exhausting to deal with it all. And it doesn’t help that she doesn’t like taking my advice simply because I’ve never had a relationship before. Like bruh, you don’t need the experience to have good advice.
But like, out of this whole month, we’ve watched one Christmas movie, two episodes of the new Santa Clause show, made graham cracker houses (gingerbread houses out of graham crackers), and played one round of Battle Ship. Any time I bring up movies, shows, or games, she doesn’t feel like doing anything but laying and sulking. And I’ve tried to force her so she can get distracted, but nothing works. So… it’s been rough. And now it’s nearly Christmas and I don’t know how because it doesn’t feel like it for the sole purpose of not having that “Christmas spirit.”
My other older sister who lives far away told me to just watch stuff by myself, but it’s not the same. It’s my first Christmas without my parents here, and my little teen sister is a complete grandma and wants to go to bed right after dinner at 7pm or if it’s not that, she wants to do her own thing even though she gets two weeks off of school and the majority of that time, she’s home alone because the older siblings here got work.
Honestly, all I want to do now is cry because the holidays are supposed to be family time and gives you all these warm and fuzzy feelings. But not this year apparently.
The only good things that’s good for now is that I got five days off work because of the storm (originally, I would just get the 24th–26th off, but we closed on Thursday and Friday due to how cold it is), I finished my eighteenth book of the year, and I finished the second draft of my novel and started working on the third draft.
Anyway… sorry for this massive post (as usual).