I decided to start working on the edits of my novel and one of the things I wanted to change was the beginning of my YA sci-fi fantasy. Before, it started off right in the action where the characters were trying to save people from a burning building. But I thought this was a bit too fast and wanted to start just a little before that (because around this part is the inciting incident—a bit too fast paced when re-reading it). The new beginning starts off a bit slow where my MC and his girlfriend meet up at a restaurant to celebrate her nineteenth birthday until they get notified to go save people (they both work for the same thing—soldiers).
This at least allows me to do a little bit of world building in the beginning to set the story up.
However, I’m a little skeptical of how strong the beginning is (writing wise). Like, I feel as if there might be other ways around writing it but I’m unsure, so I’d like some help with the first 300 words to see how I can make it better. Due know that this is only a second draft. There will be way more edits in the future and I am planning on getting beta and sensitivity readers.
Now, before you read this, I’ll add in what you need to know about the book:
It’s a YA sci-fi fantasy, taking place in the far future (a few thousand years). It’s a mixture of low and high fantasy as it does take place on Earth, but there were multiple wars and natural disasters that caused a continental shift which also nearly caused the human race to cease to exist. There’s nine continents and no countries. Everything is ruled by a single government, a group of people called the Twelve Presidents. My MC lives in Lesian which would technically be modern day Africa. Belris—the city he lives in—is loosely based off places like Egypt and Algeria, but a lot of things that we know of today wouldn’t necessarily exist as a lot of history was destroyed in the Shift and wars. I’ve made a new map (because my old one missed a continent lol) and it’s shown below. The story is about my MC avenging the murder of his family.
Now, with that knowledge, here is the first 300 words of my story the Sorceress. I appreciate any and all criticism!
Hidden to keep the post looking short...ish.
The sounds of people’s shoes clacking on pavement and hovering vehicles faded away as Nicolas opened a door to a restaurant in downtown Belris. A podium stood a few feet away from the door, and a woman stood behind it, dressed in a niqāb, her green eyes showing through the small opening on her face.
“I’ve made a reservation earlier. The name is Nicolas Eissa and Prisylla Hassani.” Nicolas grinned, ecstatic to finally get to spend alone time with the love of his life.
The woman bowed her head once and said, “This way, Mr. Eissa.” She gestured her arm out for him to follow her. They walked through the building, passing tables, and went through a small hallway at the end. A set of stairs were at the back of the hall, and after climbing them, they reached the roof.
A table with white cloth, menus already in place, and a bouquet of roses stood in the middle under multiple strings of lights that crisscrossed each other. This was a special part of the restaurant you could reserve, and it was a special day after all. Nicolas turned to the woman.
“Thank you. It’s perfect.”
“My pleasure, Mr. Eissa. Your server will be along shortly.” She went back downstairs, leaving Nicolas alone to wait for his date.
He paced closer to the table, looking at the roses. They weren’t easy to find as flower shops weren’t abundant in the city considering they resided in the deserts of Lesian, the continent he lived in. Though, it might’ve been called a “country” once if he lived a few thousand years ago before the Continental Shift happened. But Nicolas was just glad he could find them as they were Prisylla’s favorite flower. Making tonight more lovely.