IS THIS HOOKY?

Is my synopsis hooky? Be honest:

Synopsis

Rod Lopez (almost has) everything he’s ever wanted: money, a cool car, and the girl of his dreams. When he discovers that he’s a hybrid, he gets more than he’s bargained for. Especially when his estranged parents decide to visit him out of the blue. In order to quell his urges, he must fight the moonlight and anyone else who gets in his way.

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I feel like the wording needs refinement, and it could be less vague and generic in places. :thinking: Like ‘money, a cool car, and the girl of his dreams’ is too vague for me at least to care about. Even more specific versions of the same things, like ‘a few thousand bucks in the bank, a refurbished yellow Volkswagen Beetle, and a girlfriend who can stomach his cooking and terrible taste in movies’ would be a lot more characterizing and hooking. And maybe just because I haven’t read much into the werewolf genre (I’m pretty sure this is a werewolf story because of the word ‘moonlight’. If it’s not, you have an even bigger problem to fix with the synopsis), and nobody may question this reading the synopsis after reading the book’s title, which isn’t here, but when you said ‘he’s a hybrid’, I immediately asked “Hybrid what? Mixed family Latino and…?” I think it needs to be a little more clear what’s happening. Why is him being a hybrid a problem? Who’s getting in his way? Obviously don’t spoil everything, but mostly all this synopsis tells me is ‘Rod Lopez has nice things, parents, and is half werewolf’, and that’s not a lot to go on, I’m sorry. :sweat_drops:

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Thank you for your input. I want it to be five lines max. Not one of those annoying spiels. I will try and rework it. This was originally going to be book two of four but I want book one to be the prequel. A stand alone so this is now book one.

How about something like this?

Not very interesting/hooky is it?

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It’s a lot clearer what’s going on. :ok_hand: But you’re right that it could be shorter and snappier. With tight wording, it wouldn’t necessarily have to sacrifice detail though.

If I were writing it, I’d phrase it something like…

Rod Lopez has everything a human needs to get by: cash, a Porsche, the girl of his dreams… Unfortunately, Rod’s not human, he’s a werewolf-vampire hybrid. When the horror movie monsters he calls mom and dad descend upon him for the first time in over a decade, Rod must learn to control his supernatural urges, turn the predators that hunt him into prey, and rail against the chains of the moon itself to keep hold of his humanity.

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Idk :frowning: I like some of mine but some of that

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Ultimately, you know your story best, and the only person who can write the best synopsis for it is you. Was just throwing something out there. Feel free to gut it for parts, lol.

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What is hooky??

Ok with a ho.

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Attention grabbing. As in would it grab you and draw you into the story or make you want to read more

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As for the actual synopsis, I’m wondering if you could maybe show the stakes a little? Like what happens if he doesn’t “quell his urges and keep his secret under wraps?”

Will vampire and werewolf hunters come after him? Will his powers be uncontrollable and make him hurt someone he cares about? Will he be forced to sit through a reaaaalllly awkward family reunion?

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I think what @CMFriesen suggests is more dramatic, and more drama is better imo.

My suggestion would be further power up the set up line:

Rod Lopez has everything a human needs to get by: cash, a Porsche, the girl of his dreams… Unfortunately, Rod’s not human, he’s a werewolf-vampire hybrid.

Were Rod human, he’d be a lucky man, filthy-rich with a drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend. But he is not an every man. He is a werewolf-vampire hybrid who craves blood more than money, love and fame.

I think the more you focus on what his actual struggle is (vs details that are superficial and do not fed in that struggle), the hookier it will get, because I need something that hits me in the guts about his dilemma and make it feel like existential struggle in a story like that.

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Okay how is this?

Rod Lopez has everything a human needs to get by: cash, a Porsche, the girl of his dreams… Unfortunately, Rod’s not human… he’s a werewolf-vampire hybrid.

When his estranged parents decide to visit him out of the blue for the first time in over decade, his powers strengthen and he gets more than he’s bargained for.

In order to quell his urges, and keep his secret under wraps, he must turn the predators that hunt him into prey, and rail against the chains of the moon itself to keep hold of his humanity.

He’s prepared to kill any rival who gets in his way. Even it it means risking his own life.

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Does he keep his secret from his girlfriend? If so, I suggest making an emotional point of it. Ditto if the predators are his parents. Otherwise,what happens is that you mention them, but they don’t participate in the stakes or conflict. So, we end up knowing that he owns a Porsche, parents and a girl… but it misses ‘so what?’

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How do you add it in without making it overcrowded?

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It’s never overcrowded if it is emotional and makes sense vs a disconnect. Don’t worry about length and just spell out emotional stakes, cost and antagonistic forces. You can trim it later, but do not lose stakes of both types: emotional and external. That’s what hooks

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My head is fried with this thing. Would you mind helping me out and adding in the part about Gabriella without making it lose the hook?

Also Gabriella is his wife now.

:joy: Im not very good at this.

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Basically tell me if he fights his parents in a deadly fight under the cold lighht of the moon to keep his girlfriend safe and oblivious

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Okay, this is my style, and I don’t know your story, I am just trying to create the connections and insert some why’s and stakes as I go along.

Rod fought hard to win a fortune and the girl of his dreams, Gabi. She’s his moon and stars, his breath and his heart. He fought harder than any other man to be with her, because on the moonlit nights he hears the call of his blood–hears it, and shuts it off for her sake. But the worst thing about being a werewolf-vampire hybrid for Rod is that his new wife has no clue that the in-laws visit is far, far worse than the worst jokes make them out to be. His blissfully unaware, gentle Gabi becomes a pawn in the game played against two bloodthirsty monsters–his parents. To save his beloved wife, Rod must unleash the monster within himself that he had starved out for years. His only hope to save himself is to harness it or hide it, so that in the end, Gabi wouldn’t turn away in horror from her savior.

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lol, when I saw the word hooky I thought this was asking on skipping school.

On the synopsis, not sure what fighting moonlight means.

I think a summary needs to be the most to succinct. The stake needs to be clearly aligned to what the introduced character wants to change/achieve.

The character and their norm was setup right.
The change to their norm was vague, so I wasn’t sold on the stake.

If that makes sense.

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It’s not really like that though. @DomiSotto

@Veronica8 Posted another version of that somewhere.

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