I’ve been typing away working on a poetry contest this month, and I had a question about this last poem I was working on. These three lines bug me. Something about them feels… off. Is it just me? I think it’s the “was that the/she/a” part - that doesn’t sound grammatically correct to me.
What he didn’t know, was that the princess was a mage.
What he didn’t know, was that she had means of escape.
What he didn’t know, was that a dragon was her fiancé.
Grammatically, it looks fine. “was” is correct since it’s past tense. The biggest issue I see is that they run a little long and are a bit repetitive. Sometimes this is desired in poetry, so that might come down to a judgment call for you, but here’s how I would change it.
But he didn’t know that the princess was a mage.
Nor did he know that she had a means of escape.
Or that her fiance was a dragon.
You could also consider replacing dragon with snake or drake in your last line.
“What he didn’t know is her fiance was a drake”.
In doing this, you also maintain the trochaic-septameter-like rhythm of the previous two lines, which could help the last line match with them.
I’m fine with the fiance even though it’s more of a slant/soft rhyme. It’s the "was that"s that feel like slang? Kind of like how people say “that that,” but it should be one “that”?
I was thinking the first line could be changed to “What he didn’t know, was the princess was a mage,” and remove “that” from there at least.
Also, isn’t a drake a duck? That’s what google’s telling me.