Wattys summary help? [Pineapple Fox wants your help]

I’m not an expert on the 750+ word summary, so Pineapple Fox thought I might need some help and pestered me to set up this thread.

Thanks to you and Pineapple Fox.

YA Portal Fantasy

756 word summary

Eryn Kingsly lives in the city of New Soleil. At the end of school, she looks forward to seeing her best friend Celeste on the weekends to hang out. However, that night, her grandmother dies, so Eryn must go with her parents for the funeral. She looks for sympathy from Celeste, but is told she shouldn’t get dragged into other people’s sadness. Because of this advice, Eryn avoids her mother after the funeral.

In her grandmother’s bedroom she finds a letter written by “Alice” talking about Underland. Eryn also finds a bracelet. When she puts it on, she becomes dizzy and faints. She comes to and is in an upside-down world. Soon, she is apprehended Ace of Hearts who is a soldier that mistakes her for Alice and takes her to the Red Queen. The Red Queen takes Eryn’s bracelet, becomes angry, and throws Eryn into a room with desserts, ordering her to eat them. Despite her conscience telling her not to, the sweet scent makes Eryn eat until she falls asleep.

Then, a man in a white suit called Everet rescues her and is the first one to realize she is not Alice. He takes her to Cheshire, a middle-aged man, who might know why she is here. Over food and drink, Cheshire explains what he thinks must have happened to her. He says there are three realms, Underland, Uppland, and Middland with Middland sandwiched in between. For anyone to get in or out of Middland, they must have a special key. The bracelet was one of the keys and Eryn used all the power to get here. Eryn then learns about the Jabberwocky and how it is the manifestation of madness that is terrorizing the residents of Uppland and Underland. Cheshire believes Eryn has something called “the alyce” which is not only a key into Middland but also the power to fight the Jabberwocky. Eryn is doesn’t care about this crazy world and wants to go home.

When Ace of Hearts comes for Eryn, he is cured of his madness and later escapes proving Eryn has the alyce. Everet and Cheshire decide to take Eryn to visit a friend of theirs who might have another key to help her home, but Eryn separates from them when they go mad and meets Duxim, a little boy. Because of his innocence, she decides to trust him to take her to meet another queen, but then Eryn is captured again when the queen is revealed to have been taken by the Jabberwocky.

Duxim returns with a rogue soldier who gets her out of prison. At the camp of the soldiers, Ace of Hearts comes with another soldier, proving again that Eryn’s alyce works. But then Jack goes mad and her own soldier, Clue, attacks her to help Eryn and Ace escape.

Eryn is unsure of Ace at first, but he proves himself trustworthy. She realizes she does care about the people of Underland and decides to focus on helping rather than going home. It is then revealed that the Red Queen is the Jabberwocky and the real queen might still be alive. To find the truth Eryn and Ace go on a mission. Eryn begins to see a more human side of Ace and the two share a kiss.

When Clue finds the real queen’s captured soul, a struggle ensues to set her free and Clue sacrifices himself in an attempt to save Eryn, Ace, and the queen. However, the Red Queen’s army finds them and captures them all. Eryn, for the first time, controls her power and saves Ace from the Jabberwocky. But then she is taken away to be put into a coma to get her powers extracted.

While in the coma, Eryn meets Alyce, the power itself and learns that all she has to do is ask for help. Together, they return to the world. During escape, Duxim dies while saving Eryn. After Alyce frees soldiers from the Jabberwocky to fight the manifested monster, Eryn and Alyce go inside the Jabberwocky to find its core and destroy it.

At last, the world has been saved and now Eryn can return home through a door. She gives a hasty goodbye to Ace promising to see him again. She wakes up in her grandmother’s room and little time has passed. She makes amends with her mother and decides to break off her toxic friendship with Celeste. A message on her phone shows two symbols—an ace and a heart suggesting she might see Ace again, soon.

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My maim question is if you conflated the Queen of Hearts with The Red Queen in Chess.

Otherwise I think it’s good

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I’m not sure I understand your question :sweat_smile:

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The Queen of Hearts and The Red Queen are different characters.

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Yeah. They are.

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Could anyone else lend me their eyeballs? I mean, of course, not in any gruesome way :stuck_out_tongue:

Just going to do this: a paragraph, to show you how I think about writing these things. (I say on occasion that I write things backwards, so I edit with that in mind. I also bring up business English…so…I’m a hair sensitive to how things are laid out?)

First sentence I’d leave be.

What’s the end of school? The day (since she is hanging out with friends on the weekend) or the year?

She looks forward to spending her weekends with her best friend Celeste during the school year.

She looks forward to spending her weekends with her best friend Celeste, once school ends.

Next sentence…

The night her grandmother dies changes Eryn’s plans: she must go with her parents to the funeral.

Up until this point you’ve given enough information to where it’s only my understanding that needs clarification, not that you didn’t tell me. For this next one, I had to go to the last sentence to figure out what was going on. Contextual reading ain’t a big deal, but the synopsis is supposed to be straightforward. This isn’t storytelling: it’s a Novel’s TL;DR.

Eryn wants sympathy from Celeste, but her mother insists she shouldn’t drag outsiders into family sadness, forcing her to avoid contact with her best friend while mourning.

Last sentence can go a few ways:

After the funeral, Eryn distances herself from her mother and her harmful opinions.

This ultimately causes a rift between mother and daughter and Eryn begins avoiding her mother.

So, after those changes, it should be more direct, but it also becomes less “your flavor”. That is why when people do lean heavily on my edits, I tell them to make word choices that suits them more than me.

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Thanks for the feedback :smile:

I was wondering if I should be more specific. It’s just after school and the next day is Saturday.

I like that word “distances”

Then the first one is the better edit.

Distances is definitely modern lingo for family toxicity, so it immediately catches an emotionally savvy audience which has trouble with the older generation (s).

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If anyone has anything more to say, I won’t be able to fix it because I have already submitted.

But just for your perusal :stuck_out_tongue: I’ve been using “perusal” too much.

Logline: Eryn, a normal school girl transported to a Wonderland-like place, has to control her powers to fight manifested madness, in order to save two realms from destruction.

updated

Eryn Kingsly, a high school girl, lives in the city of New Sollei and looks forward to spending the weekend with her best friend Celeste. However, that night her plans are changed as Eryn’s grandmother dies and she must go with her parents for the funeral. She looks for sympathy from her best friend, but Celeste is busy with her boyfriend and advises Eryn to only care about herself to avoid sadness. Because of this advice, Eryn distances herself from her mourning mother.

In her grandmother’s bedroom she finds a letter written by “Alice” mentioning Underland. Eryn also finds a bracelet. When she puts it on, she becomes dizzy and faints. She comes to and is in an upside-down world. Soon, she is apprehended by the Ace of Hearts who is a soldier that mistakes her for Alice and takes her to the Red Queen. The Red Queen takes Eryn’s bracelet, becomes angry, and throws Eryn into a room with desserts, ordering her to eat them. Eryn is forced to succumb and then falls asleep.

A man in a white suit called Everet rescues her and is the first one to realize she isn’t Alice. He takes her to Cheshire, a middle-aged man, who explains what he thinks must have happened to her. He says there are three realms, Underland, Uppland, and Middland with Middland sandwiched in between. For anyone to get in or out of Middland, they must have a special key. The bracelet was one of the keys and Eryn used all the power to get here. Eryn then learns about the Jabberwocky and how it is the manifestation of madness that is terrorizing the residents of Uppland and Underland. Cheshire believes Eryn has something called “the alyce” which is not only a key into Middland but also the power to fight the Jabberwocky. Eryn doesn’t care about this crazy world and wants to go home.

When Ace of Hearts comes for Eryn, he is cured of his madness proving Eryn has the alyce. Everet and Cheshire decide to take Eryn to visit a friend of theirs who might have another key to help her home, but Eryn separates from them when they go mad and meets Duxim, a little boy. Because of his innocence, she decides to trust him to take her to meet another queen, but then Eryn is captured again when that queen is revealed to be controlled by the Jabberwocky.

Duxim soon returns with a rogue soldier who gets her out of prison. At the camp of the soldiers, Ace of Hearts arrives with another soldier of the Red Queen, proving again that Eryn’s alyce works against madness. But then the rogue soldiers go mad except for one, Clue, who attacks helps Eryn, Ace, and Duxim escape.

Eryn is unsure of Ace at first, but he proves himself trustworthy over and over. She realizes she does care about the people of Underland and decides focus on helping. It is then revealed that the Red Queen is the Jabberwocky in human form and the real queen, Regalinda, might still be alive. It is during a mission with Ace that Eryn begins to see a more human side of him and as their relationship grows, the two develop feelings for each other.

When Clue finds Regalinda’s imprisoned soul, a struggle ensues to set her free and he sacrifices himself, blocking the Jabberwocky’s attacks. However, the Red Queen’s army soon captures them all. Eryn is able to control her power, freeing Ace from the Jabberwocky. Yet, she is taken to be put into a coma for power extraction.

While in the coma, Eryn meets Alyce, the power itself and learns that all she has to do is ask for help. Together, they return to the world. During escape from the Red Queen’s army, Duxim dies while saving Eryn. After Alyce frees the soldiers from the Jabberwocky to fight the manifested monster, Eryn and Alyce go inside the Jabberwocky to find its core. There they learn the truth of the Jabberwocky is the first mad resident of Underland whose insanity grew into a beast. Eryn defeats him with Alyce’s help.

At last, the world is saved and now Eryn can return home. She gives a hasty goodbye to Ace promising to see him again. She wakes up in her grandmother’s room and little time has passed. She makes amends with her mother and decides to break off her toxic friendship with Celeste. A message on her phone of two symbols, an ace and a heart, suggests she might see Ace again, soon.

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