I decided to revamp my opening to my YA sci-fi thriller, so I cut a whole scene out and moved onto where things actually start.
…
1 Like
Good start, but there’s a little too much information all at once. Why it makes your world fascinating and makes me want to continue reading, it also feels a bit confusing when you go from describing the wall and then the forcefield, as it sounds like the same thing and I’m having a hard time picturing what you’re meaning. Introduction of the Victorians sounds interesting, but we don’t get a lot of input or indication about your protagonist, who I personally like to know the most about off the bat. There’s also a bit too much description about this woman and this dress. A tip I learned from other writers was to focus on the main character for a couple pages before introducing more. Otherwise, your writing style is very fluid and the description of the world piques my interest. Just a little too much all at once.
1 Like
It definitely leaves tidbits to keep a reader wanting more. I too am curious about what this is made for, what or who the Victorians are, and why the people of the city need to be protected from them. Magic versus technology is always an interesting dynamic as well.
I agree with Lowarlo in that the introduction and description of the second character detracts from our investing in Nicolas in this “early hour” of the story and the setting in which he is moving. To lessen that impact, consider dispersing Prisylla’s description throughout the early action and dialogue to keep the flow of the story moving at the pace at which it started. It gets a bit bogged down when the description is given all at once.
This same thing can be used to help us understand what Nicolas looks like, despite being the MC.
1 Like
Thank you! 
So, I revised it again—adding a few extra things and moving some other things. As the chapter goes on, you do get to know more about Nicolas and everything else. First few paragraphs are always hard because you don’t want to do too much but not too little, and it’s hard to get it into that “just right” moment.
Anyway, how’s this?
Nicolas walked toward the edge of the roof where it overlooked the city, stopping at the ledge. Far into the distance, lights stretched across Belris; sand dunes scattered the outskirts of town, and the bustling citizens lingered below. You could even catch a glimpse of the brick wall, keeping people from going out into the unknown as only soldiers were allowed to see what was out there. The Twelve Presidents enjoyed secrets and control when it came to their main citizens. Despite ruling over many continents and towns, they resided in Belris, the central hub in a continent called Lesian.
His eyes scanned further past the wall and caught a trivial glimmer of the forcefield shielding the city from Victorian magic. The technology kept the city safe and free of danger, though it was one of the few places that did. Nicolas definitely had his fair share of experiences as a soldier himself, dealing with one burned village after another. All because the Twelve Presidents didn’t seem to care. Nicolas wondered if it might’ve been because it wasn’t Belris; if it weren’t their home, they probably wouldn’t care about this place either.
But three years of living here and he had yet seen a Victorian break through. He wasn’t sure why or how, considering they were exceptionally powerful creatures, but he guessed the technology was beyond his own comprehension.
A slight breeze ruffled his black, curly hair which sat on his head like a mop as his sides were shaved, and a few strands of curls cascaded into his eyes. He whipped his head to clear the hair away from his face, but then looked down at his attire. He wore a long, white suit jacket with a dozen black buttons lined up across his chest and loosely fitted pants that matched. His tawny skin looked darker against the brightness of his outfit. It wasn’t a typical ensemble he’d originally pick, but this was a special night.
When his attention drew itself back to the glistening skyline, butterflies rose in his stomach. He hoped that tonight would—
“Staring off into space again?” The sound of Prisylla’s voice broke him out of a daze.
Hmmm…If I may suggest a few tweaks to this? The first half is solid, using the action in amongst the description. The second half could use the same kind of treatment.
Something like: “His hands slipped down the front of his white suit jacket, catching along the multitude of black buttons as he tried to smooth down the front. He tugged on the short (?) waist coat in one last effort to ensure it lay correctly. As he quit that effort and set his hands on the wall, he noticed how the bright color of the jacket made his tawny skin look even darker. A sardonic smile lifted onto his lips, before warm wind curled around him, creeping up the loose legs of the matching pants and sending goose flesh all the way up to his partially shaven scalp.”
Er something like that.
This is the way I try to incorporate descriptions to avoid walls of text and keep the pace moving forward. I don’t know if its something you can use, but I hope so! 
1 Like
Yes! I like that!
1 Like
This topic was automatically closed 14 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.