YA portal fantasy blurb again, thoughts? [also what should I do]

The answer lies somewhere in all the nonsense.

Seventeen-year-old Eryn ignores her conscience and acts selfishly toward others, leading to the discovery of an old bracelet she’s strangely drawn to.

Putting it on was a big mistake!

The bracelet chucks her into a chaotic, magical realm with no internet. The worst part is that a monster of pure madness—the elusive Gibberjabby—haunts the realm. The monster controls Ace, an army captain, and tries to kidnap Eryn, wanting her for a power she didn’t know she had.

When she accidentally frees Ace from the monster’s mental clutches, she learns of a long-time battle against the Gibberjabby. She befriends Duxim, a sweet hare boy, and Clue, a quiet and kind soldier, who both want her to help.

As Eryn struggles to figure out the secrets of her power, the madness begins to reign supreme, causing destruction. If she can’t stop the monster soon, she will be thrown back into her home world and forced to watch her friends die.


I got one single comment on FB. Someone said I should be more specific about what kind of fantasy elements the story has, but idk what else I could add without making the blurb long and complicated :confused:

This is what they said:

Is the monster the only antagonist? Are there any other fantasy elements? There’s magic, a monster, friends on a quest, are there wizards, fairy, elves, dragons, kings, queens? Like what kind of fantasy world is it?

There are two mad queens, but the last time I put “two mad queens” I was asked “queens ruling what” and when I added that in, I was told it was too much detail and that I should not put the queens in :stuck_out_tongue: I could say part of the world has upside down trees and yellow snakes that spell words, or a jester that recites poetry randomly, but those are details.

If I say too much, I’m not giving a teaser anymore either.

What should I do? Or is this enough?

1 Like

Is this the one that’s a reimagining of Alice in Wonderland? If so, you definitely need to mention that somewhere near the top so readers know what they’re getting. Secondly, you need to mention the goal, the obstacle and the stakes. Is her main goal to get home again? But she can’t get home unless she helps these other characters first? I don’t see the logical motivation for a selfish girl to help others unless there’s something in in for her, and right now it’s not obvious how it benefits her.

I don’t see that it needs any further description of fantasy elements. It just needs an internal conflict. If this is that Alice retelling, you could simply put the names back to normal and the readers would know immediately what a Gibberjabby is without any need for description in the blurb.

All of this is just my opinion! I’m not so good with blurbs either, so take my advice with a bucket of salt. (♯^.^♯)

1 Like

I see! Hmm :thinking: That gives me a better idea, thanks :blush:

1 Like

Hey, I think I made it a bit more clear and added one detail in the first paragraph. I hope it doesn’t create any additional confusions :sweat_smile:


The answer lies somewhere in all the nonsense.

Seventeen-year-old Eryn pretends to not care about her family to please her friend, when she discovers a peculiar letter from someone named “Alice” along with an old bracelet she’s strangely drawn to.

Putting it on was a big mistake!

The bracelet chucks her into a chaotic, magical realm with no internet. But that’s not the worst part. The Gibberjabby, a monster of pure madness, haunts the realm. It controls Ace, the captain of the Red Queen’s army, who tries to kidnap Eryn wanting her for a power she didn’t know she had.

When Eryn accidentally frees Ace from the monster’s mental clutches, she learns about a long-time battle against the Gibberjabby. She befriends Duxim, a sweet hare boy, and Clue, a quiet and kind soldier. They promise to help her get home if she uses her power to fight the monster.

As Eryn struggles to figure out the secrets of her power, the madness begins to reign supreme, causing destruction. If the Gibberjabby consumes the realm, Eryn will be thrown back home and forced to watch her friends die.

2 Likes

I like it! (*^-‘) 乃

Have you gotten any responses on the new blurb from your FB group yet?

Thank you! And thanks for the help! :blush:

Zero responses :sweat_smile:

2 Likes