Does this sound like a real teenage girl?

I have this revamp of an old story, originally known as Blood and Iron. I’m fiddling with its development right now, but all you need to know is that this is a YA contemporary fantasy novel meant to appeal to people who like John Green and Weird Tales. Strange, I know.

A reoccuring criticism of Joh Green’s stories is that the teenagers don’t read as teenagers, more like middle-aged literature professors who love to say SAT words. I am a naturally blunt writer, though I occasionally say big words.

Without further ado!:

Opening of the First Chapter!

The higher you are
The farther you fall

It was my ringtone, interrupting me as I applied mascara.

The screen read “Mom”. She never called during school, something big must have happened.

I answered, fearing the worst.

“Hi, Madelina. Your grandpa has died-“

I dropped the phone in the sink. How could a man who had cheated death over and over again die now? Thankfully, the screen hadn’t cracked, but I did not dare to continue the call. Call it what you will, anxiety or paranoia, but I was not about to ask for any further details.

Weird, I know, but I know you will be honest.

3 Likes

I could see it, sounds like she’s in her older teens

2 Likes

Why specifically older?

2 Likes

She sounds about 17-19.

It’s how she speaks.

1 Like

I can accept this.

1 Like

English irk. Is the song specifically “farther”? Depending on which source comes up for this saying, it either pops up harder or further, not farther.

It reads late teens. And the phone call is very abrupt and I’ve got direct experience with people being upset with that. So, that’s something to think about as well.

2 Likes

I’ll have to double check that.

Why late teens specifically?

The words are moderate: applied instead of put on brushed on. Yes a teen might know that is an applicator, but they mostly know it as a brush so applies is not the go-to word. It’s a bit dated. Applicator is definately dated, like 80s dated.

It was my ringtone, interrupting me as I applied mascara.

It was my ringtone, causing me to blink on my mascara wand.

This is an older child’s view on cheating death. The younger the kid, the less aware they are of how close to death their grandpa is, often because.mom isn’t telling them, and a lack of a concept of how vunerable family members are. Occasionally a 12 year old will get this, but it’s because their parents kept them in the loop and they’ve seen too much death at their age. Remember, Poppop is invincible. How could he die?

2 Likes

Good points, I will consider it

Now the more adult thoughts could be incorporated into longer conversations prompted by adults. Like this would be a great kind of response to mom pointing out how many times grandpa nearly dies.

1 Like

The reason she thought that isn’t because he was sick, it was because he was basically a mad scientist wizard.

Well, then you have a reason for her to feel older…but Wizard Grandpa is InvincibleTM is still a younger teen’s reaction.

2 Likes