My sister, who is 31, is going through her first breakup (with her first boyfriend) though honestly, she wasn’t actually dating. Let me give a (hopefully) small backstory.
She was secretly dating her best friend’s brother, whom she’s known most of her life. But their feelings for each other were secret to the family because 1) she’s nine years younger than him. 2) His family is very religious and judgmental, and had no idea how his parents would react to them liking each other. 3) They felt embarrassed being known publicly. However, they’ve never been on an actual first date because of this. They’ve sometimes held hands if they were together (which wasn’t often because it’s been a long distance thing), and they did a very limited amount of kissing (like when we went to see them last July, they only kissed once and that was in the very early morning before we left to go back home, and she described it as like a peck—no major action). But they used to talk to each other every day over the phone.
However, a week before Christmas, he broke up with her and said he fell out of love with her… and had been for quite some time but didn’t know how to tell her. And there were clear signs of it back in July when we went to see them, too, so that’s five months before he actually told her. It’s been about a month now and she’s still not over him. She’s doing much better than a month ago because it was way worse then, but truthfully, it’s a bit much considering they’ve never actually really dated, how they weren’t actually a thing. Like, you can’t really “breakup” with someone you never dated before, right?
But because she’s known the family for more than half her life, grew up with these people, she has expressed that she always wanted to be a part of their family (mostly because of their small town country lifestyle). And when her and him gained feelings for one another, she had this idea that it could be true. There were moments where they even planned their future wedding and how many children they’ll have and how they’d live an old-fashioned lifestyle where she’s a house wife and he’s the provider, etc. After he said he didn’t want to be with her anymore, she felt lost and like she didn’t know who she was. And because she was in love with the country lifestyle through them, anything country makes her think of him. Anything he would like or laugh at, makes her think of him.
But this is where things get complicated because he basically left her for another girl who is closer in age, who lives in his town and he works with her sort of, though he denies this. And before he broke up with her, he became friends with this new chick on SnapChat and started texting her… all the time. Now, my sister has issues and hacked his social media accounts (she actually had his passwords because he would forget them) and it would seem like they flirted and whatnot, though not officially (because the new girl didn’t express her feelings until after they broke up, and he always denied feelings for the new girl). But the constant snapping said differently.
Now, personally, I didn’t like the guy. And I’m not only saying that she deserved better because she’s my sister, but she definitely deserved better because over the years, there’s been red flags, which the first one is what I previously said: the texting.
There were moments at the start where he didn’t text her every day. He wouldn’t make her a priority. He then shielded this with the excuse of not liking the idea of texting, so this turned into calling. And now he’s in a new relationship with the new girl and he snaps her every day.
He wouldn’t make their relationship exclusive. It was different when he was younger, but now he’s an adult. He has full control over his life, over who he sees and what to do. Why couldn’t he be a man and say, “Hey, I like her”?
He would tell my sister that he was going to bed, but she saw that he was texting girls from work or school hours into the night after he’d say that.
He didn’t make an effort to want to be closer to her or make plans to come and see her or whatnot. It was always her having to go up to see him. It was always her who wanted to move up there to be closer to him. It was always her trying to hold his hand, to text him good morning and good night.
And along with not making an effort, he didn’t even seem like he loved her. He’d say he did, but did he mean it? If he didn’t try to sit next to her, if he didn’t try to call her or text her good morning, then did he really love her? Or was he in love with the idea of her? Not to mention, she’s had moments of wanting to dump him but then he’d be nice to her again after a fight and she’d say she loves him.
And now he’s dating the other chick who is exclusive. He’s told my sister he’s slept on top of her (not slept together, but it could lead to that) and that he has touched her boob. They’ve hung out, and he even asked this girl’s dad to date her. Again, he wanted my sister’s relationship secret… so red flag.
But she’s made excuses for him, and she still loves him for some dumb reason.
There is a whole other part of the story and that was how my sister’s craziness blew everything up. Remember how I said she hacked his socials? Well, when he broke up with her, she did it again and then texted the new girl as him to say “I don’t want to be anything more than friends with you.” She did correct this wrong by actually texting her as herself to apologize, but because of this action, everyone in his family has now been made aware of their relationship and aren’t happy with her actions, though some made peace. But like, one of his two sisters (not her best friend) whom she was close with was so angry with her (mostly about not telling her about their secret relationship) that she hasn’t texted or called my sister and ignores messages. She’s been a complete bitch about it. On top of that, before any of this started, my sister was going to take a trip up there and see them for New Years, and she even rented out a carriage ride that was 200 dollars for nine of them. But ever since the breakup and the blow up, they told her not to come and took the ride themselves. They did ask if she wanted them to pay her back, but she said no (the ride wasn’t refundable).
And here we are, a month later. She has her good days, but there’s been a lot of bad days. To a point where she’s leaning on alcohol to numb the pain which I’ve told her not to do because alcoholism runs in our family. She denies that she’d get addicted to it, but I doubt that.
On top of this, she has suicidal thoughts and she’s seeing a therapist once a week since her work knows she’s heavily depressed and is paying three months of therapy at Better Help.
But even then, it’s still not enough. It infuriates me because the guy is a douche for just waiting until Christmastime to break it off when he clearly knew he didn’t love her back then, and how now I have to deal with a complete emotional sister now and I feel useless because A) I don’t know what else to do. And B) anything I say, she already knows and she’s told me at times to back off and that “I don’t know anything about break ups or relationships because I’ve never been in one before.” And while sure, I may not have that experience, I do have a lot of knowledge because I’m observant. I knew he wasn’t good enough for her from the start, and we masked that because he’s so young and stupid, because most men who are young are stupid and immature.
I’ve read online that getting over a breakup can take up to three months depending on how close you are and you’re wired. While they’re very close, and while it’s her first, it—in general—shouldn’t take so long to get over considering they weren’t actually dating, and the fact that he just simply moved on anyway. I don’t know. It doesn’t seem as complicated feeling wise, but then again, this kind of drama is the reason why I don’t want to put myself out there in the dating pool. It’s just too much.
Is there anything I can do as an outsider? How long did it take for you to get over a breakup? What did you do to get over it?