I need help on this blurb for Between Roses, YA Fantasy

[TheTigerWriter]

Okay, so I need help with this blurb for Between Roses which will be self-published on Amazon this year (fingers crossed!)

As for length, I’ve seen short blurbs and long blurbs for my genre, so as long as it’s not wordy or clunky, I’m not too worried about length. I feel like I could simplify it more…not sure. Any critique welcomed. Thanks

Genre: YA Fantasy

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Blurb

A bracelet discovered in her late grandmother’s house transports seventeen-year-old Eryn to the strange lands of Uppland and Underland. Two mad queens are eager to put her into a coma to extract “the alyce”, a power needed for traveling to Eryn’s world, but which Eryn herself didn’t know she had. When she unknowingly frees an enemy from the manifestation of madness, the Jabberwocky, she makes heads turn. The last person with the alyce, Alice, couldn’t do what Eryn could do.

Everyone around her believes Eryn must be the one meant to destroy the Jabberwocky. With previous enemy Ace of Hearts and other new friends by her side, Eryn has to figure out how to use the alyce to defeat the Jabberwocky, saving the home of the creatures and people she’s grown to care about. But Jabberwocky’s power is growing, and time is running out. Tick tock, tick tock. The destruction of Underland and Uppland is near.

[lunar.eclipse]

sounds like an interesting book the content in the blurb is on-point.

the only thing i’d mention is that the tone is more matter of fact and educational rather than something that would draw the reader in. so I would focus on creating suspense rather than telling the reader what the story is about.

let me know if this helps

[J.L.O]

Edit Option:

Mean girl Eryn (17F) discovered a bracelet in her late grandmother’s house that transports her to the surreal lands of Uppland and Underland.

There, two mad queens fight over her to gain “the alyce”, the power to unlock Eryn’s world. Problem is, it’s a thing within Eryn herself which she didn’t know she had, and it could cost her life to extract it.

When she unknowingly frees an enemy from the manifestation of madness, the Jabberwocky, she stirs belief in it’s future defeat. The original Alice with the alyce couldn’t do that. If Eryn could free one, she could potentially free everyone, to become their hero.

With the newly reformed Ace of Hearts and other free minds by her side, Eryn has to figure out how to use the alyce to defeat this monster, saving the home of the creatures and people she’s grown to care about.

But Jabberwocky’s power is growing, and time is running out. Tick tock, tick tock. The destruction of Underland and Uppland is near.

[TheTigerWriter]

I might use some of that. If I don’t have to specifically say “coma”, that might be good.

I’m beginning to think that betas can write blurbs better XD

[J.L.O]

In a lot of ways, thats true. Things I find impressive arent going to mesh with “the reader” 24/7. Its essentialy 2 seperate books what I wrote and what you read. So Betas should have an idea.