I’m planning a love story, and I would love feedback on my blurb:
❝Love is blind. At least for you and me.❞
| |Rewriting | |
Aisling Jones thinks she has it locked down. She has the sweetest boyfriend, who has stuck with her through her battles with cancer every time. But this time, when her cancer returns, she discovers her boyfriend has been seeing another woman.
Packing up her bags and deciding to move to Paris, Aisling reunites with her childhood best friend Cherith Meyers, who just so happens to be a good oncology nurse. They live next door to each other in an apartment complex.
Just as her feelings for Cherith begin to surface, COVID hits, and the two are unable to see each other. So, they exchange inspirational texts every day. But every day is a struggle, for COVID is a battle where only the fittest survive.
But I think, and this is just my opinion, having two diseases side-by-side kind of feels like a hat on a hat. Maybe having a consistent theme will help? The first two paragraphs concern Aisling’s journey from getting over her boyfriend and battling her diseases and just trying to get her strength up in one place. The second feels like a totally different plot- like it is some sort of a ‘quarantine’ romance, you know?
I really like the last line and “battle where only the fittest survive” happens to be your theme. Maybe you can introduce that in your earlier paragraphs and ensure that your MC is running on the same track with multiple health-related hurdles and emotional hurdles.
Here’s my suggestion to help you get started. I’m pants at writing blurbs, fyi lol
Aisling Jones has fought over plenty of hurdles. This might just be her hardest fight yet.
After discovering that her once sweet boyfriend has been seeing another woman upon the return of her cancer, she moves to Paris. A fresh start is probably what she neede and with her childhood best friend, Cherith Meyers by her side, she thinks she has it all locked down.
But life throws her one last curveball: Just when her feelings for Cherith begin to surface, COVID hits which seperates the pair even more. With growing loneliness and interactions limited to inspirational texts, an hopeful Aisiling is shattered as she tries to find stability in chaos. Everyday becomes a struggle and Aisiling knows there’s only one way out: to survive, persevere and love.
First impression, no to the quote. Unless it the most cleverest thing in the world, it uses up valuable real estate without adding anything special.
As to the blurb. It does the job of explaining the story premise but it’s a bit dry. It could use some character and flavor.
Let’s look at these separately.
I think this should be condensed. Giving the boyfriend an entire paragraph makes it sound like he’ll be the main focus but if the point of the story is that she’s ditching him, he doesn’t deserve that much spotlight.
For example,
When her sweet boyfriend turns out to have been cheating on her while she battled cancer, Aisling packs her bags and moves to France.
You can keep it but spice it up. For example, replace “good” with “rocking” and you got yourself flavor.
Yawn. Cut.
Here’s the gist of the story. It’s a COVID story. Don’t burry it as an afterthought.
This section deserves more attention. I’d like to know more about their relationship and about Cherith.
First of all, I can’t tell Cherith’s gender. Make it clear if this is an LGBT story or a straight one to attract the right type of audience.
You want a specific type of reader to see it and think, this is exactly what I want to read.
Another thing missing is the cool factor. Is it cool because it’s set in Paris? Is it cool because it’s about COVID? In what way? By now we all know what living in times of pandemic is. What does your story add to it? Does it shed light on how love can work between people who need to distance from each other?
Or is it cool because you have really cool characters? If yes, show us what’s cool about them.
Otherwise, I think it’s a good premise. I can see the conflict in this idea of love between a nurse who’s exposed to COVID daily and a cancer survivor who needs to be extra cautious.
While all of them are cool factors, I think this stands out most. I think the primary cool factor is that it shows the struggles and hardships of the beginning of the pandemic, specifically since Aisling is dying and this is her last shot at love.
I know this is a little too long, but here is the second draft:
When a chapter ends, the best thing to do is start fresh in a new chapter. That’s Aisling Jones’ motto. When her sweet boyfriend turns out to have been cheating on her while she battles cancer, Aisling packs her bags and moves to Paris, France.
There, Aisling reunites with her childhood best friend Cherith Meyers, an openly bisexual female who happens to be an exemplary oncology nurse. While Cherith prefers to end her nights with a one-night-stand, Aisling prefers other things and gets to know Cherith’s friends, who provide daily antics and laughter to the two friends.
When Aisling thinks things can’t get better, life throws her a second chance at love. Once she’s finally moved on from her ex-boyfriend, she starts to catch feelings for Cherith, her best friend. And as luck would have it, Cherith has feelings for Aisling.
However, just as their relationship blossoms, COVID hits, and the two cannot see each other. So, they exchange inspirational texts every day. But every day is a struggle, and the swelling solitude and lack of physical contact threaten to break not only Aisling down but Cherith.
And the longer the pandemic persists, the clearer it becomes to Aisling that she may not survive long enough to see the stay-at-home restrictions lifted and a choice of where she wants her relationship with Cherith to lead.
But neither choice comes without pain. And this time, there's no way she can run. This is real life, and real life doesn't always have the perfect ending.