So, due to back cover design space, I’ve had to shorten my blurb from e-book version.
Tell me how this sounds? It is okay grammar wise? Flow, structure…
does it make sense?
Let me know.
Between Roses
YA Portal Fantasy
Eryn’s selfish choice at her grandmother’s funeral nags her with guilt. After escaping, she discovers a letter about “Cheshire” and “Underland” along with a tarnished bracelet she’s strangely drawn to.
She puts on the bracelet and it throws her into a realm where a monster of pure madness, the Gibberjabby, controls people and eats souls. It sends the Red Queen’s army captain, Ace, after Eryn for a magical power she supposedly has. When she accidentally frees Ace, it turns out her power could help end the Gibberjabby’s decades-long reign.
Eryn must navigate nonsense and figure out her powers she can’t feel. But then a warning changes everything. Time is running out. How far will she go for a world that’s not hers?
The first paragraph reads a little strange to me since it’s super vague about what’s going on with Eryn and the funeral but also unclear how the funeral is relevant to the rest of the story/blurb. I would’ve expected the blurb to have started off with Eryn discovering the bracelet and gone from there.
Might just be me though.
I presume it’s going to be a very quirky adventure story given it’s inspiration from Alice in Wonderland?
Hmm… kind of, sort of, not really, maybe in a sense… that’s what I can tell you
I edited. Thoughts?
Seventeen-year-old Eryn, selfish and guilty, ignores family which leads to her snooping in her late grandmother’s room. There, she discovers a tarnished bracelet she’s strangely drawn to.
The bracelet whisks her away into a realm where a monster of pure madness, the Gibberjabby, controls people and eats souls. The Gibberjabby sends the Red Queen’s army captain, Ace, after Eryn for a magical power she supposedly has.
When she accidentally frees Ace, he tells her that if she figures out her power, she could help end the Gibberjabby’s decades-long terror. But time is running out. Life-risking choices loom ahead, one of them being an induced coma. How far will Eryn go for a world that’s not hers?
If the grandmother’s not important to the plot, why not leave her out completely? I mean in the blurb, that is. Like this:
Seventeen-year-old Eryn discovers a tarnished bracelet that whisks her into a realm where a monster of pure madness, the Gibberjabby, controls people and eats souls. The Gibberjabby sends the Red Queen’s army captain, Ace, after Eryn for a magical power she supposedly has.
When she accidentally frees Ace, he tells her that if she figures out her power, she could help end the Gibberjabby’s decades-long terror. But time is running out. Life-risking choices loom ahead, one of them being an induced coma. How far will Eryn go for a world that’s not hers?
It might not be necessary to mention the coma either. The reader really only needs to know there are life-changing choices ahead; they don’t really need to know the specifics, eh? ¯\_(ﭢ)_/¯
Hmm…actually, maybe someone else could give you better advice than me on that. To me it’s enough to know that there are vague life-risking choices ahead, but maybe the majority of readers would prefer something more definite…? I dunno! (♯^.^ღ)
See, I would’ve used the word Jabberwocky instead of Gibberjabby, so the reader would know what the protagonist was up against anyhow. I think we all remember how dangerous the jabberwocky was in the original book. ¯\_(ﭢ)_/¯
I see I’ll think about it. Thanks for your feedback!
So, I did have Jabberwocky as the name of my creature and there was nothing wrong with it until I brought it into the blurb.
There’s been so many people who told me “don’t use Jabberwocky it gives me an idea before I even pick up the book and I don’t want that” or “Jabberwocky sounds too childish. Is this a middle grade book?” or “I think Jabberwocky is not original and you can do better”. But then there were also many people like you who said you didn’t mind Jabberwocky and even preferred it.
Then I took “Jabberwocky” out of the blurb completely as an experiment, and then people thought I should name the monster
Since my “Jabberwocky” creature is nothing like the one in the book or the movies, I decided to change the name. You might know this, but the actual name of the monster in the book is the Jabberwock. Jabberwocky is the name of the poem about the Jabberwock and I haven’t figured out why. Actually, the Jabberwock doesn’t appear in the original books as a character. It’s only in the poem.
I guess the poem left a pretty big impression on people.
Anyway, yeah, it was after a lot of debating that I decided to change the name and then finally people were quiet about it Idk why. Gibberjabby is even more silly
As long as people think, like you, "huh, Gibberjabby sounds like Jabberwocky. I wonder if there’s going to be some similarities? " Then I consider that a win because I did get inspiration from the Jabberwock
Seventeen-year-old Eryn knows she would be lost without her influential friend and can’t imagine life outside of New Soleil. But one day, she discovers a tarnished bracelet that whisks her away into a magical realm haunted by a monster made of pure madness. The Gibberjabby controls people and eats souls. It sends the Red Queen’s army captain, Ace, after Eryn to kidnap her for a magical power she supposedly has.
When she accidentally frees Ace, he tells her that if she figures out her power, she could help end the Gibberjabby’s decades-long terror. But time is running out. She must make life-risking decisions alone. How far will Eryn go for a world that’s not hers?
Sounds good overall. Not sure if I’m being a bit weird here but the one thing I’d change is the last sentence which you’re using as the hook.
In a typical coming-of-age, adventure story the protagonist would face a problem (she gets transported to another world which is being terrorised by the Gibberjabby), makes the decision to tackle the problem (kill the Gibberjabby which is akin to Eryn deciding she’s going to stay and fight) and goes on the adventure to achieve said goal (the meats and potato of your story where the protagonist goes through personal growth). I feel as if the emphasis of your blurb and therefore the big hook at the end should be on the personal growth / adventure aspect of the story, and not the pre-condition to the adventure starting. If that makes sense?
Your first sentence does a good job at introducing this portraying her as a shy, introverted girl who’s socially dependent on her influential friend and perfectly happy living inside her tiny bubble of New Soleil, to a brave and capable, warrior-like heroine who defeats the Gibberjabby. The hook I felt undermines this message a bit since it places the emphasis on a moment in the story before the character growth, rather than emphasising the character growth itself which is the focus of the story.
I would expect a typical last sentence hook to be sound something along the lines of “how would this shy and introverted girl fair in this unfamiliar and wartorn world” or “will this shy and introverted girl be able to free Wonderland from the tyrany of the Gibberjabby.”
Hmm, I get what you’re saying. The thing is Eryn is by no means shy or introverted, so it was good you mentioned that you thought she was.
In fact, she’s quite the opposite. Her growth is learning to be herself, make decisions for herself, and also learning to care for others around her. She’s initially hesitant of doing anything for a world that’s not hers because that’s how her friend would be.
I wonder how I would show that…
How does this sound?
Easier said than done has never been so true.
Seventeen-year-old Eryn knows her fame at school is thanks to her influential friend making decisions for her. Going solo is unimaginable! But one day, she discovers a tarnished bracelet that flips her life upside down. She arrives alone in a magical realm where madness is a monster called the Gibberjabby. It controls the Red Queen’s army captain, Ace, to kidnap Eryn for a magical power she has.
When she accidentally frees Ace, she learns that if she figures out her power, she could help end the Gibberjabby’s decades-long terror. As time begins to run out, Eryn’s faced with life-risking decisions. Will her choices prove right, or will the Gibberjabby consume the entire realm?
So really just dive into the meat of the story?
Idk why. Gibberjabby is even more silly 
