Opinions on my new opening scene?

All Things Writing
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Hey folks! Spring has put me in a revision mood, lol, and I am now tackling one of my first novels. I wasn’t gonna do more than line edits, but…it needs a little bit more than that :sweat_smile:

Over the past week, I’ve been agonizing over how to best set the opening scene, and I’ve finally settled on the below. It’s about 200 words, and dialogue begins right after it. What do you think? Does it make you wanna read more? Does it drag? Do you get the picture?

The story is a contemporary/chicklit drama. Thanks in advance!

Ingrid sat by herself on a tall stool at the bar, cloaked in moody lighting and the midweek urge to sin. Her keen eye scanned the sparse crowd scattered around the pub – middle-aged office types, talking work or sports over pints of beer.

Too old… too fat… too loud… too bald… Gay?.. Ugh, married.

Melted ice and a thin layer of amber sloshed about the bottom of her tumbler. Ingrid downed the remnants of her whiskey. At the end of the bar, one solitary man hunched in the shadows between a pair of pendant lamps. A few stools to Ingrid’s right, two women laughed over espresso martinis.

If only she had a girlfriend to gossip with, maybe this dark desire for a body to possess wouldn’t consume her so deeply.

But she didn’t have one, and it did consume her, so Ingrid waved Remi over to pay her tab. The clock had struck ten PM. With some luck, she could sneak early into one of Berlin’s many techno clubs and sweet-talk a horny raver.

Much as she would have preferred a grown-ass man in her bed. Young ones tended to interfere with her morning routine.

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I liked it up until the penultimate sentence. Somehow that one’s phrased weirdly to me. I would’ve said something more like:

With some luck, she could sneak early into one of Berlin’s many techno clubs and sweet-talk a horny raver, although she would have preferred a grown-ass man in her bed. Young ones tended to interfere with her morning routine.

As far as a hook and whether it has me interested to see what happens next…yup! I assume she’s going to wind up with Mr. Goodbar or something…?

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Aha, okay, that’s fair! I think I was just trying to avoid a run-on sentence, but sometimes it’s better to keep it simple.

Great! Just what I wanted to hear :grin: She is going to go home with a man from the bar, yes… :eyes:

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