I’ve been trying to think of a better blurb to my story, Tequila Americano, and came up with the below. I’m having a hard time presenting the characters and the conflict without spoiling too much, so I’d be interested to know what you think of it at first glance. Too short? Too vague? Just right? Something else?
The story is contemporary adult fiction, chicklit drama with a touch of dark romance.
With her career on the rise, millennial immigrant Ingrid feels confident enough to dredge up old memories in New York, where her American Dream lies buried. But instead of closure, she finds Leon Ortega, the drug lord who was once her lifeline.
Exhausted CEO Edgar struggles with the rocky relationships in his life. His daughter Caitlin bonds with his illicit lover Ingrid, and his devotion to a woman who would much rather self-destruct brings his whole existence into question.
Trapped between the demons of her past and a man who doesn’t belong to her, Ingrid must forge her own path into the future - or risk drowning in regret.
First of all, we don’t need Caitlin’s name. Calling her a daughter is enough. The fewer names, the better. I had to reread it a few times because I thought he was the father of Ingrid and was hella confused.
I was confused in the first paragraph too. Is she just remembering New York or going there? Is she going there to rekindle her old love or does she have another goal? Like, a job, etc?
The second paragraph needs some clarification too. I’m really not sure what this story is about based on this alone. How do their paths cross? Did Ingrid befriend his daughter on purpose to get close to him? That would be a good hook (if true).
Those are all good points, but I’ll have to give it some thought. Edgar and Ingrid are already “together” (it’s not a romance) when they move to New York for work, and Caitlin plays an important role early on in the story. But so does the “bad boy” Leon Ortega who I wanna use to attract some Mafia romance (or adjacent) readers It’s not really erotica, either (I don’t think so, at least), because it’s not exactly explicit. Just some good ol’ conteemporary drama, which is why I’m struggling to find a clear-cut hook for it.
The angle would be “forbidden romance” because that’s how it started between them, and now he’s all out possessive/obsessive gangsta. But he’s basically the villain, so…like…idk. The story is also half flashbacks, or non-linear – Ingrid’s old life vs her new life, and her coming to terms with all that.
I’m going to try to rework it when I have some time to sit down with it.
Okay here’s another draft that I’m not too happy with, but it includes more substance that can hopefully be edited into something passable.
Ingrid is not a good girl. She used to have an affair with a drug lord, has broken up at least one marriage, and is currently sleeping with her boss. But when her work takes her back to New York, she is determined to seek closure from her demons.
Edgar is trying to be a good man. A devoted father and hardworking CEO, his illicit romance with Ingrid has upended the traditional values he grew up with. His future is looking less certain by the day, as the woman he loves descends into self-destruction.
Lured by the siren song of her past, Ingrid must make a conscious effort to live in the present. To choose her future. Because she’s come too far to be dragged back down into hell.
I love the intro to Ingrid and the contrast with Edgar. It’s very straightforward and easy to picture the drama.
You’re almost there.
I think the only thing that could use improvement is to reduce the ambiguity.
So we know that it’s a rocky relationship.
We know that Ingrid comes to New York, but what happens? We need to be able to dig our teeth into something tangible. Something curious or exciting.
One piece of advice I read once is that you introduce the character (you did) and then the worst type of situation for a character like that to find themselves in.
She left behind a lot of trauma and kinda falls down that rabbit hole in her pursuit of ‘closure’. I don’t really know how to delve into all that in a concise way I would indeed want something to tie into the self-destruction that I mention in Edgar’s paragraph.
Edit: how’s this…
Ingrid is not a good girl. She used to have an affair with a New York gangster, has broken up at least one marriage, and is currently sleeping with her boss. When the job takes her back stateside, it’s only a matter of time before she succumbs to her vices.
Edgar is trying to be a good man. A devoted father and hardworking CEO, his illicit romance with Ingrid has upended the traditional values he grew up with. His future is looking less certain by the day, as the woman he loves descends into self-destruction.
Lured by the siren song of her past, Ingrid must make a conscious effort to live in the present. To choose her future. Because she’s come too far to be dragged back down into hell.
Me again The sun has come out, and I’ve just come up with this version. I feel like it might reveal too much, but most people don’t remember the blurb as they read, anyway, so I hope this is tantalizing enough to get them to start reading. My only other problem is that it might feel too long now…
Ingrid is not a good girl. She used to have an affair with a New York drug lord, has broken up at least one marriage, and is currently sleeping with her boss. She seeks redemption when the job takes her back stateside, but finds her old flame instead - and he’s still obsessed with her.
Edgar is trying to be a good man. A devoted father and hardworking CEO, his illicit romance with Ingrid has upended the traditional values he grew up with. His future is looking less certain by the day, as the woman he loves descends into self-destruction.
Leon Ortega has made the best of a bad hand in life, and ended up one of the most feared gangsters in New York. Ingrid got away from him once, but will she manage it again, as she succumbs to her vices? Her life is in his hands, and tomorrow is never promised.
As to the spoiler, I agree that readers often don’t remember. But even if they do or they go back to reread the blurb after having started the book, it might still be worth it.
I mean, all you’re telling me is that their stories will clash. Your blurb doesn’t tell me what will be the outcome of it.
Now look at what you’re gaining: you’re telling me there’s a triangle, which is a selling point, there’s a mafia angle—another point, diverse cast, drama, etc.
If revealing more of the story helps pitch it to the right audience, then it’s all pluses. It outweighs the desire to save spoilers.
I always look back at the example of Sixth Sense (which I analyzed in detail for one of my books). The trailer makes it very clear that the boy can see ghosts. Some of the scenes in the trailer are from the end of the movie. The very first scene in the trailer happens within the last few minutes.
But the actual movie? The famous scene where Cole says “I see dead people” is exactly in the middle. Up until that point the story is told from Malcolm’s pov (Bruce Willis). And it’s a story of a child psychiatrist who’s trying to help a boy suffering from a “mood disorder.” The movie audience doesn’t see a ghost even once until this point.
You could say that the ghosts are a plot twist. But can you imagine what the trailer would look like if it didn’t mention ghosts? It would bring the wrong audience to the theater.
That’s true, I don’t think I’ve ever looked at it quite in that way.
Stuff like this has crossed my mind, to be fair. I have kind of the opposite example, Guillermo del Toro’s Crimson Peak, which was advertised as more of a horror flick than a gothic romance. Lo and behold, it flopped lol. There’s a line in the movie, where the protagonist is trying to sell a manuscript she’s written, and she describes it: “It’s not a ghost story, it’s a story with ghosts in it.” Which is what the movie is, too, but I guess audiences were expecting Stephen King levels of horror, and it never quite delivered.
Thank you for all the feedback! It’s been a huge help, not so easy to get out of one’s head sometimes
I really like this one, however I’m not a writer so take what I’m about say with a pound of salt. I think ‘good girl’ should be changed to woman or person, she is an adult (I’m assuming). Maybe in the last sentence the because could be removed to make it flow better.
I agree on principle, but ‘good girl’ is also reminiscent of a common trope in books, so it’s more of a shorthand way to capture that. There’s also a significant age gap between the characters, so ‘girl’ vs ‘man’ also reflects that (even though she is in her late twenties). And, in my head, the opposite of a ‘good girl’ is a ‘bad woman’
Ah, I’ve decided to change that. There’s an additional paragraph in the second version I shared just below the one you replied to.
I’ll go with this one because I agree with Kami that less ambiguity is better, and putting all of this out there might better attract the audience who’ll enjoy this.
It’s not really erotica, either (I don’t think so, at least), because it’s not exactly explicit. Just some good ol’ conteemporary drama, which is why I’m struggling to find a clear-cut hook for it.
I would indeed want something to tie into the self-destruction that I mention in Edgar’s paragraph.
It’s been a huge help, not so easy to get out of one’s head sometimes 
