Thinking hard about this and it was always obvious that I hate my mom deep down…in spades
I continue to deal with her because I have ZERO options on where to go.
I hate the idea of group/boarding home because of restrictions and people, I am not mentally capable nor financially capable to live alone, and I rather not live with other family members because explaining my situation is exhausting and annoying.
There’s not much advice I can give other than what @NotARussianBot said. Leaving is an option to ease the pain, but the hurdle you’ll have to climb over is figuring out how and where. Lack of money and resources becomes a struggle many face, which is why some may resort to homelessness. But if you have a friend or a trusted family member who can help you, that would be your best bet.
Sadly, I get this problem all too well. Different family member and I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hate them, but they do make life difficult. As someone who also has nowhere else to go, I can’t really do much more than let you know you’re not alone and you will find a way to get through this
My roommate lives with me because she cannot put up with living with her mom (who she has a great relationship with) because she’s chronically dating a drunk that scares her. Her father twists her up into panic mode because she never figured out how to be anything less than Yes Sir! How High Sir! with him.
She vacations with them, and when she comes back she sleeps, mostly.
What I suggest is not a permanent moving out, but a break, going on a “poor man’s vacation” to a friend’s, where you test things out while spending very little.
But the truth of the matter is you’re statistically likely to outlive your mother, so you’re going to have to figure out life without her–and that’s better to do before she’s gone.
Truth of the matter is that even compassion isn’t enough to get along with difficult people. I’m saying that because I’m difficult. A man married me, so it’s not impossible, but the odds of me landing in my situation again are very slim. Understanding is often a distance thing.
When I was in therapy, my doctor asked me to bring my mother to one of my sessions. Her talking to the doctor face to face did a lot as far as making her take my problems more seriously. Is it possible for you to bring your mother to one of yours? You never know, it might help. ¯\_(ﭢ)_/¯
If leaving is not an option, I agree with @Akje about a group therapy session. There was a point in my life (ahem, rebellious teenage years) where my mother and I just couldn’t see eye to eye. She was super religious and I just wanted to be a normal teen, and things got nasty between us. We decided to go to family therapy for like 2 sessions, and just those sessions made a HUGE difference. Sometimes you need a mediator between you and another person. Since then, it took a few years to truly get along, mostly once I got over the “let me go out all night at all sorts of hours” phase. This was when cell phones weren’t really a popular thing so there was really no way to contact me.
Anyway, point is, the main thing that helped was setting boundaries and compromises. While she wasn’t thrilled about me going clubbing, she felt better about it if I planned ahead rather than sneak out, and went with a “chaperone” which was an older cousin I was fine with. We also had to accept that there were things we could not change about one another. I wasn’t going back to church so she had to accept that nagging me wasn’t going to change that, BUT I did promise I’d focus on school and graduate on time.
It wasn’t until my early twenties that I feel like me and her really got along much better and over the years, we became inseparable. She was my best friend may she rest in peace. Now that I’m older, I have a better sense as to why she was the way she was, and not only that, but she TOO had mental illness that was undiagnosed. So it’s made me a lot more understanding about what happened in those days.
If your mom doesn’t want to go to therapy, discuss with your therapist how to set boundaries with her. What things bother her vs you, and how/if you can meet in the middle. Also consider that your mental things are inherited and she too may have mental things interfering with being able to communicate with you.
I do have bad times with my mom It is off and on, but an ongoing thing. The gripe is that days ago, what caused me to go on a bit of a break, is a hormonal issue. So, the goal was to chat to my mom about things, but I ended up throwing a major destructive tantrum and never letting her get a word in the conversation. I had another one days later, but I was in a much safer location. Come to find out that I was PMSing because my menstrual cycle came on and that caused my hormones to get wacky.
But honestly, I need a lifestyle, where I can be outside my home and have some distance from my mom. The main thing is that I am ALWAYS inside my home and barely go out unless it is food shopping, hanging out with family or friends, or stopping at a store near my home.
I mean if I left the house and become a bit more independent, then me and my mother won’t be too much at odds, because we aren’t around it each constantly. Regardless of the fact that we have our own space, we are still around each other and get under each other’s nerves in some way of form.
I really don’t hate my mother too much; I just dislike it when we are in each other’s way in the house. We get on each other nerves sometimes.
So, my mom deals with her shit, and I deal with my own.
It’s virtual therapy session. Though I can ask about it and see what the therapist says. If the therapist says no (why’d they disagree is beyond me), then I just have to switch a therapist. The only way my mother can agree to it is if she isn’t preoccupied with something else.
So then… go outside? I know this is easier said than done depending on your circumstances like 1: if you’re a minor with only so much control over where you can go, 2: in an area where getting to anything requires a car, 3: are disabled and rely on others to get around etc.
Do you have a yard? A front porch? A sunny window where you can crack it open and sit in a comfy chair just to soak in the sun’s rays like a flower?
Also, a “happy light” might help. I use it every day in the mornings because if I don’t have light blasted in my face first thing, I am CRANKY AF. And I can’t seem to wake up. Affects my mood a lot especially with the seasons in swing. I work remotely so I don’t go out as often as I’d like to either so this combined with a sunny window that I have that looks outside and a comfy chair can make a difference. Not a substitute for real sunlight or exercise but def helps.
Also, with the hormones, I feel you. My therapist had actually told me that the studies are outdated so doctors still think women feel “worse” the week leading right up to their periods but for a lot of women, the week OF their actual periods is the worse, especially those with certain mental illnesses/disabilities. I tend to feel my ADHD symptoms feel worse, especially the fog and strong emotions leading up to and during my monthly friend. Being aware of when it’s coming has done a lot to help me at least try to manage myself around my SO. Make sure you have enough magnesium and iron during that time, though def consult with your doctor first. A vitamin imbalance could also contribute.
I don’t have a car because I don’t have my license. I live in an apartment setting and share the “front yard” with the neighbors that I live next to. The places I go to requires a car, even with using Uber or Lyft, I would still need to pay for a car to drive me places.
So, I am sort of stuck. I say sort of because there is a park in front of the apartments where people can sit and walk. But that is the most boring thing to do, I HATE WALKING! I need a reason to walk, and not that keep myself sane reason. Those reasons involve me spending money on things.
Yes, I know I am being stubborn! I need something fun and exciting to do until months later I am bored/sick of it and want to do something else new/exciting.
If I do take a walk outside, it can be to the dumpsters when I am taking out the trash or if I need to cross the street to get something that is needed.