I think it was the dynamic with his aunt.
He’s very obedient and dependent on her, which is how it should be (that’s her goal), but I didn’t mean for him to come across as a 10 yo. I might have overdone it.
I’ll play around with his inner monologue. Maybe if I add contrast between what he says and what he thinks it will help. Some version of a teenage rebellion?
Problem is that I can’t make him too smart or it wouldn’t be plausible that he doesn’t see through her intentions. He needs to stay innocent and naive here.
It could be in my word choices but that’s tricky. He’s sheltered and not very educated so fancy language is out the window.
He’s not snarky or sassy, which is how lots of people like to portray teenagers.
I’m running out of ideas how to age him up without destroying what I’m trying to do in this chapter.
I’m having him address in his thoughts that she’s baby-talking to him to emphasize that just because she calls him a good boy, it doesn’t make him a little child.
There’s still the question of the sleepover. That was a word that stood out to both critique partners. Apparently, a 16-yo shouldn’t be using that word.
I asked my near-14-yo old what other word he’d use, he has no idea. That’s the extent of my market research, lol
Context: he lives alone, hides out in a derelict house, his aunt comes over every other day with supplies. She promised him she’ll stay for the night once he completes a difficult task - it’s a treat for him because he’s always alone in that house.
So apparently, his excitement for the sleepover with his aunt came across too kid-like. Any ideas how to age-up excitement?
UPDATE: I think I’ve got it. I’ll have him focus more on the “our very own festival” part instead of the sleepover part. That’s the word she uses, not him. I hope that will be enough to make him sound less like a little kid.
I feel you! We have a big yard and everything grows so fast and in one blink of an eye, my house is surrounded by tall bushes. We have to mow and cut branches weekly now and that my partner is sick, everything is on me, literally
With writing, I’m stuck with editing in these past few months, and still one more story to go. Starting to move my main account to another platform because Wattpad doesn’t do much to me anymore. But now I have 4 stories in my head yelling to be written.
The second one is “more interest in girls”, like maybe a nervous twitch? I had guy friends that were very jittery even into college until their first time having sex specifically because obedience in all things and natural drive caused anxiety. saw that in a lot of highly religious males, for example.
Some people keep their childlike wonder even into their 30s. Teenagers often do reckless things. You can be cinnamon roll and be reckless and not think things through.
Interesting.
He already has anxiety just from the messed up way he lives. I don’t think I’ll go as far as describing sexual urges. Cringing a bit.
But it could be implied.
That would be too much into his head. Just horrible nervousness over cute girls at 16 would be good.
Also, strong conviction is what seperates a 10 year old for a 16 year old unless they are the type that couldn’t be a Cinnamon Roll if they tried. Simple enough would be the conviction that the authority in their life is some iteration of God Incarnate would work. You faithfully obey what you’re convicted of.
Now this is the threshold for nearly adult and older:
Thinking that your God Incarnate is wrong but overall right. That would be objecting to a specific action as you thinking it won’t serve the greater goal as well as another action, but agreeing with the touted end goal being right means that a little persuasion would convince the inexperienced to do as told. This is also a good growth action, and a catalyst for the God Incarnate to be perturbed with the potential rebellion coming.
Aww, frustrating. I was going to have a lovely writing nod editing day, since it’s raining. But of course, first thing, I get email from wattpad that my coverage on Winners Don’t Have Bad Days is on an outdated template. So, 4 hours of doing the new template, since they wanted a fair bit more information for it… basically, from 6 pages to 25. Well, it’s all done, but now we need to do a school visit and I am still owing 2 chapters for book club. I hope I can edit at least one chapter… instead of finishing it.
✧･ﾟ: * ✧･ﾟ:* In case no one has told you today: I love you. You matter. You’re needed. You’re stronger than you think. You’re going to get through this.✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *
