It’s this story. First chapter is just how I want to write. 
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It’s a really good balance of world building and action in a “bland setting”. Guilt and regrets immediately, so there’s a stake, without wallowing in the pity party because a decision to change things is already made. Only issue I see is that it wanders a bit: reasonable for a distressed character, but as it’s one of the things I have to work on as my “normal writing habits”, it stands out like a sore thumb.
Only potential negative besides making sure the MC’s name is in the first paragraph (did it make it in at the first 600 words)? They did make sure that something novel was going on: rune carving, so I don’t automatically go: “ugh, this is a cubicle dwelling story!”
Me personally, the character’s tone is “depressed” or “shell shocked”, so it’s not something that draws ME in, but it’s a hell of a sight better than “nobody understands me; I hate my family!” So, if I had the time, it’s definitely got enough to draw me into the next chapter.
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I like the maze addition. 
I do need to work on bringing the conflict to the front. There are several so I’ve got choices, it’s just which ones will work for the blurb.
There’s the conflict that Ruby helps Seri break out of paranoia but in doing so, he tips over fragile balance of Seri’s sheltered life. Ignorance is bliss after all. Once the ugly truth is exposed, anything goes.
In other words,
He didn’t escape one cage just to end up in another so if he wants to stay with Seri, he needs to convince him to take some risks and break out of his sheltered life.
But that could expose both of them and maybe there is some truth to Seri’s fears. There is fate worse than being Merlin’s lab rat.
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Yeah, that what impressed me. It’s such an immersive, smooth reading experience with enough interest highlights and nothing feels labored. I wish I could do that… it really flows without a single instance of trying too hard.
In first person narrative, the name of the main character doesn’t have to come as fast as in third person.
I think some people here over plan and freak out and they don’t let their characters and stories shine. And they get into ruts over their first drafts. A first draft isn’t meant to be perfect and never will be. You’re never gonna get it right. You just need to write it and experiment with it and see where it goes and then tighten it up after. Take it from there.
That’s been recently introduced to me anyway. I had a habit of waiting to introduce names when someone asked for it or called them by name, no matter if its 1st or 3rd.
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There you go. So Ruby HAS to do something in order to do something, but in the end of the day, I still think it has to have Seri, Merlin and Ruby all in the conflict, IF you mention all 3 in the summary. Otherwise, if it’s just Ruby and Seri’s story and Merlin doesn’t come after them, you don’t need to mention Merlin by name. It’s just "Ruby escaped a powerful magician who used him as a lab rat. But a man who shelters him, Seri… etc. You know what I mean?
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Spoiling never bothers me because I often forget. But spoiling is more about what you are comfortable with.
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Yeah, I prefer name right away, but it’s 3rd person which makes it paramount. I can’t tell you how many stories start with “A boy/girl/man/woman” doing something for half a chapter, then being named in the middle or even not at all, and it’s from their POV… it’s like, WHY?
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It makes sense to me, to push it earlier, for at least the sake of those who get lost easily. Save the confusion for something truly complex, not a freaking name.
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I wouldn’t really seperate those into different thoughts. Good now doesn’t require his sister knows it until it’s too late to take back anything. His history doesn’t give room for easy reconciliation. The only inflection point that really matters is if she is a good enough queen to leave as monarch, and if the changes in the prince are enough to fix what she’s messed up. That determines if they fight. Reconciliation depends on their ability to forgive and trust. I mean, he could be a saint, now, but would you trust that the man who killed your daddy will be loyal to you as family?
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I know. It does NOT add intrigue to call the main character boy, when his name is Jack and he knows it just fine.
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I didn’t have the chance to write for 5 days. I know, appalling, right? I was where the internet was not.
Anyway, I wrote this and quite like it XD
Whatever genius in the history of humans came up with that word should be in jail, Celeste thought. Anything that was too hard to deal with was “complicated”. Ask Superman, ask Spiderman, or any secret identity, or ask any relationship where one side was hiding something. Why couldn’t they just talk about the thing? “It’s complicated”. What was so complicated? Celeste hated that word to its vowels.
The phrase “hate ~ to it’s core”, I thought, well, what’s the core of a word? It’s vowels? 
I could say “hate the word to its etymology” XD
But I don’t want Celeste to sound like a writer because she’s not.
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It’s one of those many things that is “unnecessary complexity”. I mean, you see the way I write when in normal Convo. Sometimes I write something that should have been 2 sentences, but is not. All he/she, no name, does is add sentences.
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I’d do it as a bit of both: just because he’s now internally good, doesn’t mean his every choice is a godsend. What if she’s a better queen than he is king? What if he’s willing to go back to his anonymous life, but she’s out for blood now that he’s returned (she doesn’t trust him to stay dead). Have his choice be: become king to save my life, but I’m going to screw this up and wind up putting my people in a civil war by my ineptitude. Like, have him very sure he brings doom to all, but it’s the only way he gets to live.
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A very simple way to do this, and it wouldn’t take too much to edit this in: let’s say the confrontation where he knows his life is forefit if he lets this drag out is right in the middle of the harvest, and this country Monsoons after that harvest. So, if he wants to save his life, he’s got to pull workers from the field. And if it drags on, these two sides will be fighting in the middle of the monsoon when they should be rescuing those who are in danger of being flooded out? Some thing dire that makes it clear that saving his life endangers everyone, and it can’t wait until that season is over.
So, does he let the rebels use him or does he bring out a 3rd faction to have a 3 way war? All sorts of mess, with that. Are the rebels good for the nation or are they selfish bastards?
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It’s alright. Just don’t lose your mind in “complexity”.
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Last bit today, finished chapter 1 draft. Tomorrow is chapter 2. In the next scene the family cockatoo, Marcus, escapes from his cage and Celeste, annoyed at him, calls him a “stupid chicken” and then when he still doesn’t fly into his cage, she says, “I’ll turn you into roast chicken” which then will lead him revealing that he is, in fact, a talking animal 
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My chapter 15 was growing lengthier and lengthier, so I cut off some of it into Chapter 16 and now I am close to ending Chapter 16. I am at 33K something, so will probably be at 34K once I move to Malaysia/Singapore portion of the story and need to do some location research and the big heartbreaking conversation.
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