This can be dropped altogether. It’s in the “After this mishap” paragraph, “to do” at the end can go as well.
This would be 12 down.
And then if you’re good with it, you don’t have to keep editing.
1 Like
do you recommend i use the word Butcher instead of kill? Isn’t it more stronger?
Kill is generic. Slay more tied to execution or killing people in battle. Murder shows a crime committed. Butcher is like chopping kids to bits.
1 Like
so I should keep 'kill" then, right?
Final Modified version:
Word count: 500
Does this look strong? Like do you get to understand clearly what is happening and feel all spoilers are included?
BEcause one of the feedbacks were that some of the info felt like it was in my head but I didn’t seem to have written them down.
Humans have the potential to tap into their extra soul in the form of a spirit animal. They desperately need it before they turn 18 or they may become King’s slaves. They would lack the power to resist him as these souls complete their transition into magical beings.
If a human’s animal dies, so does their magic:
Lily Pattrigue will have both dragon and tiger. According to prophecy, a child born with immense power will defeat the ruthless King. Upon learning this, he orders the destruction of the newborn’s town. Lily was born with her dragon manifested, but she must not learn that she can be soul-bound with her Tiger (given by her doting uncle, unintentionally), and gather such formidable powers.
When these souls clash, Lily gets a strange vision of her deceased mother dancing.
After a mishap, Mr. Berkley retrieves Lily to be her mentor, and she learns to transition her powers through her mother’s dance. She learns more about herself and the meaning of her powers–which overwhelms her due to the sheer scope of what she is tasked with.
The ruthless King was surprised to find out that this prophetic child has reached adulthood. He gives her an ultimatum: marry him and comply with his devious schemes or taste death. Separately, the King imprisons Mr. Berkley and her family to coerce them into retrieving a powerful object. Not knowing the scope of the King’s ambitions, Lily chooses death.
Before her public execution, everyone is rescued by a group of rebels, led by Alexander. Her doting uncle and critical aunt reveal that they have been nurturing the rebellion for years, hoping that she would become its leader due to her duality. With the support of Alexander, Lily decides to lead the rebellion, though she isn’t sure how.
When her mischievous souls fight again, Lily discovers through another vision that they can thwart the King: a necklace that can hone immense power kept hidden by her aunt. As the rebellion picks up, civil war breaks out. The King recaptures Lily’s loved ones and murders her mentor. She surrenders before he can kill her family.
Later, all three escape when Alexander rescues them, where Lily is severely injured. The death of her mentor causes Lily to step down as a leader. Alexander challenges her to fight back, but she still refuses despite the spark ignited by his words and love.
It takes an acquaintance of Mr. Berkley to remind Lily of what her mentor stood, and died for her to remember why she led the rebellion in the first place. Lily and the rebels rise up again. She faces the King in a devastating battle, using the necklace from her vision. This time they win.
Instead of killing the King, she orders him to live the remainder of his life running an orphanage, helping children. Accepting defeat, the King bends the knee. Lily and Alexander are chosen to be the new rulers of the Kingdom, which thrives on justice and compassion.
It feels like you have everything straight enough.
Run it back by the other feedback, see if anything is still missing.
There’s always room to edit more. Lol
Back to kill: one the oldest stories with a king ordering the death of a town’s babies just uses kill (Matthew 2:16) in most translations, slew (a form of slay) is in one of the oldest English translations.
So, kill is within tradition of a baby massacre.
1 Like
No problem.
1 Like
Hello JLO
So received newer feedback and modified it further to make it as smooth as possible
However word count is: 513
Wanna check it out and tell me what you think of the newer version?
Humans have the potential to tap into a spirit animal, which imbues them with magic. If they don’t manage this before turning eighteen, they are unable to resist the King, and become slaves. They would lack the power to resist him as these souls complete their transition into magical beings.
According to prophecy, a child born with immense power will defeat the ruthless King. Upon learning this, he orders the destruction of the newborn’s town; however, Lily’s dragon saves her from destruction. Lily Pattrigue has two spirit animals. She was born with her dragon manifested, but she must not learn that she can be soul-bound with her Tiger, and gather such formidable powers. Accidentally bonding with her tiger, Lily grows her power. However, life with two spirit animals couldn’t be more exhausting as Lily needs to continually tame them before they fight.
When these souls clash, Lily gets a strange vision of her deceased mother dancing.
After a mishap, Mr. Berkley retrieves Lily to be her mentor, and she learns to transition her powers through her mother’s dance. She learns more about herself and the meaning of her powers–which overwhelms her due to the sheer scope of what she is tasked with.
The ruthless King was surprised to find out that this prophetic child has reached adulthood. He gives her an ultimatum: marry him and comply with his devious schemes or taste death. Separately, the King imprisons Mr. Berkley and her family to coerce them into retrieving a powerful object. Not knowing the scope of the King’s ambitions, Lily chooses death.
Before her public execution, everyone is rescued by a group of rebels, led by Alexander. Her doting uncle and critical aunt reveal that they have been nurturing the rebellion for years, hoping that she would become its leader due to her duality. With the support of Alexander, Lily decides to lead the rebellion, though she isn’t sure how.
When her mischievous souls fight again, Lily discovers through another vision that they can thwart the King: a necklace that can hone immense power kept hidden by her aunt. As the rebellion picks up, civil war breaks out. The King recaptures Lily’s loved ones and murders her mentor. She surrenders before he can kill her family.
Alexander rescues all three, but the death of her mentor compels Lily to step down as a leader. Alexander challenges her to fight back, but she still refuses despite the spark ignited by his words and love.
It takes an acquaintance of Mr. Berkley to remind Lily of what her mentor stood, and died for her to remember why she led the rebellion in the first place. Lily and the rebels rise up again. She faces the King in a devastating battle, using the necklace from her vision. This time they win.
Instead of killing the King, she orders him to live the remainder of his life running an orphanage, helping children. Accepting defeat, the King bends the knee. Lily and Alexander are chosen to be the new rulers of the Kingdom, which thrives on justice and compassion.
“If they don’t manage this before turning eighteen, they are unable to resist the King, and become slaves. They would lack the power as these souls complete their transition into magical beings.”
Since “To resist the King” is said in the previous sentence, “to resist him” is redundant, so that’s -3 right there.
The order of this has changed ( a good thing), but it makes “Lily Pattrigue has two spirit animals.” feel awkward, so it needs to be trimmed into the rest:
“According to prophecy, a child born with immense power will defeat the ruthless King. Upon learning this, he orders the destruction of the newborn’s town; however, Lily Pattrigue’s dragon saves her from destruction. She was born with her first spirit manifested, but she must not learn that she can be soul-bound with her Tiger, and gather doubled powers.”
This way, the contents of the sentence are scattered.into the paragraph. It goes from 64 words to 59 words, a savings of 5.
“Accidentally bonding with her tiger, Lily strenght grows.”
1 word saved, changed power to strenght to not repeat words, but is not absolutely necessary since this is an overview, not story writing.
Her mischievous souls fight again. “Lily’s new vision is about thwarting the King:”
Saves 4 words.
3+5+1+4=13, so you’re now at limit.
Since someone is murdered in the previous sentence, it’s implied that these two will die, so:
“She surrenders to save her family.”
1 word under 500.
When there is only 2 words in a list, it’s either the comma or the and, not both: “stood and died” is the more grammatically correct, so no word count change.
“why she first lead the rebellion.”
In the first place is comfortable way to say it, but when word counts count, it’s bulky. That’s an extra 3 words freed.
All of this doesn’t change the details, so, this might be your final draft.
1 Like
Thank you so much @J.L.O!
Yes it was supposed to make it flow better? I don’t know if it worked though? 
That’s why I added the information back into the rest of the partial paragraph. It’s still worth knowing, just not in the way it was (as that was a starting sentence).
1 Like
For this one - does it make sense that I say this?
“Her mischievous souls fight again. Lily’s new vision is about thwarting the King: a necklace that can hone immense power kept hidden by her aunt.”
or does it look off?
If it feels odd, it’s probably due to feeling these are disconnected, although it was established the fights and visions go together, earlier. If you say Lily’s resulting vision, it’s more hammered home that they are connected…and resulting an again fight is going to be a new vision.
1 Like
I dont understand, can you please elaborate?
I’m saying nothing needs to be changed in particular, but some people need thoughts reinforced, and as it’s established that the two spirits fighting brings on visions, the way it was first written is acceptable, but in case people don’t pay attention, changing new to resulting will take care of any confusion.
1 Like
thank you so much for your guidance! I think this is the final sumary draft that I like very much and I, personally, think it flows really well! And its all because of your great efforts in helping me!
I really thank you @J.L.O 
No problem.
1 Like
I was wondering if someone can help me w/ the Blurb
It supposed to be from 150-250 words
and I was wondering if its hooking?
Word Count: 167
Lily, a young female also known as the prophetic child, must flee when a ruthless king burns her village to the ground. Pattrigue, her dragon, saves her from the Great Fire when the King orders to burn her town to rubles. Her Aunt and Uncle vow to protect her at all costs and keep her in hiding knowing what she is. Only on one condition can Lily remain a secret: her Aunt must never touch her. Should she do, she will unleash immense power in Lily and will only reveal her to the King. After an incident, Lily’s power unravel which leave her vulnerable to the King. She meets allies along the way and help her to prepare for a rebellion against the King. Losing loved ones, and sacrificing her life, Lily steps down as the rebellion Leader and leaves with her two choices: marry the King or die.
Can she make it? Will she make it? We will have to journey with Lily to find out.
Yeah, blurbs are not my strong suit.