The 2022 Wattys: Feedback on Summary, Blurb and Logline

The Necromancer's Lair
1

I am looking-for-critics for my Wattys Summary
Any advice on how to make it smoother?

Every human has a soul in a form of a spirit animal. They must acquire one by 18, or become a slave to the King. Why? Because they don’t have any magical powers to object him. These souls complete the transition of one’s magical power, so if an animal dies, the power of the human ceases to exist. Lily Pattrigue, a young woman ignored by her aunt but doted on by her uncle, has two - a tiger and a dragon. When these souls clash, Lily gets a vision of the past and sees her mother performing a strange-looking dance. After an incident with her magic, her mentor, Mr. Berkley, retrieves Lily to help her, and she can finally transition her powers through the same dance she saw in her vision.
She takes the opportunity to learn more about herself and what her powers mean but is overwhelmed when it becomes clear her life’s purpose is far more daunting than anticipated. When the King learns of her, he demands Lily to marry him and comply with his devious schemes or else choose death so that he will not be threatened by her. The King imprisons Mr. Berkley and her family, without her knowledge, threatening their lives to retrieve a powerful object. Not Knowing what’s at stake, Lily chooses death. But before her public execution, Lily and the other prisoners are rescued by a group of rebels, led by the enchanting Alexander. Her uncle and aunt reveal that they have been nurturing the rebellion for years, hoping that she would become its leader. With the support of Alexander, Lily decides to lead the rebellion further, though she isn’t sure how at first. Then, when her mischievous souls fight again, Lily discovers through another glimpse of the past that there is a way to thwart the King - a necklace that can hone immense power, kept hidden by her aunt. As the rebellion picks up, civil war breaks out. The King recaptures Lily’s loved ones and murders her mentor. She hands herself in before he can kill her aunt and uncle but manages to escape with them when Alexander comes to her rescue, though she is severely injured. After the loss of her mentor, Lily refuses to lead another rebellion. Alexander challenges her to fight back, but she still refuses despite the spark ignited by his words and love. It isn’t until an old acquaintance of Mr. Berkley appears and reminds Lily of what her mentor stood and died for that she remembers why she led the rebellion in the first place. Lily and the rebels rise up again. She faces the King in a devastating battle, using the necklace from her vision. But, instead of killing him, she orders that he is to live the remainder of his life in an orphanage, helping children.
Accepting defeat, the King bends the knee. Lily and Alexander are chosen to be the new rulers of the Kingdom, which thrives with peace, kindness, and justice.

2

Don’t take it as you have to use this, but I do this streamlining crud too often right now because I’m wordy, so take a look and figure out what you can use:

Every human has the potential to tap into their extra soul in the form of a spirit animal. They desperately need it before they turn 18 or they risk becoming the King’s slaves. Without it, they lack the power to resist him as these souls complete their transition into magical beings.

If their animal dies, the human’s magic ceases to exist.

Lily Pattrigue has two - a tiger and a dragon. When these souls clash, Lily gets a strange vision of her deceased mother dancing.

After a mishap, Mr. Berkley, retrieves Lily to be her mentor, and she learns to transition her powers through her mother’s dance. During this time, she learns more about herself and the meaning of her powers–which overwhelms her due to the sheer scope of what she is tasked to do.

When the insecure King finds out, he gives an ultimatum: marry him and comply with his devious schemes or taste death. Seperately, the King imprisons Mr. Berkley and her family to coerce then into retrieving a powerful object. Not knowing the scope of the King’s ambitions, Lily chooses death.

Before her public execution, everyone is rescued by a group of rebels, led by Alexander. Her doting uncle and critical aunt reveal that they have been nurturing the rebellion for years, hoping that she would become its leader due to he duality. With the support of Alexander, Lily decides to lead the rebellion, though she isn’t sure how.

When her mischievous souls fight again, Lily discovers through another vision that they can thwart the King: a necklace that can hone immense power, kept hidden by her aunt. As the rebellion picks up, civil war breaks out. The King recaptures Lily’s loved ones and murders her mentor. She surrenders before he can kill her family.

Later, all three escape when Alexander rescues them, where Lily is severely injured. The death of her mentor causes Lily step down as leader. Alexander challenges her to fight back, but she still refuses despite the spark ignited by his words and love.

It takes an acquaintance of Mr. Berkley to remind Lily of what her mentor stood and died for her to remember why she led the rebellion in the first place. Lily and the rebels rise up again. She faces the King in a devastating battle, using the necklace from her vision. This time they win.

Instead of killing the King, she orders him to live the remainder of his life running an orphanage, helping children. Accepting defeat, the King bends the knee. Lily and Alexander are chosen to be the new rulers of the Kingdom, which thrives on justice and mercy.

1 Like
3

Thank you so much for your help! I love this! Okay may I use this version and start tweaing more on it?
As there are a few details I may change - wait I’ll send it here :smiley:

4

If I give you something, you’re free to use it. You’re good.

Besides nothing is ever perfect. I’ve got a “he” that should be “her”, and I see a spot where “for” would be used twice.

1 Like
5

Every human has the potential to tap into their extra soul in the form of a spirit animal. They desperately need it before they turn 18 or they risk becoming the King’s slaves. Without it, they lack the power to resist him as these souls complete their transition into magical beings.

If their animal dies, the human’s magic ceases to exist.

Lily Pattrigue has two - a tiger and a dragon. According to a prophecy, a child is to be born with immense power enough to defeat the ruthless King. Upon knowing such a prophecy, the King orders the destruction of the town where the prophecy indicated where the newborn lives. Upon having a powerful dragon and a rare tiger, Lily is able to hone such foreseen powers.

When these souls clash, Lily gets a strange vision of her deceased mother dancing.

After a mishap, Mr. Berkley retrieves Lily to be her mentor, and she learns to transition her powers through her mother’s dance. During this time, she learns more about herself and the meaning of her powers–which overwhelms her due to the sheer scope of what she is tasked to do.

When the insecure King finds out, he gives an ultimatum: marry him and comply with his devious schemes or taste death. Separately, the King imprisons Mr. Berkley and her family to coerce them into retrieving a powerful object. Not knowing the scope of the King’s ambitions, Lily chooses death.

Before her public execution, everyone is rescued by a group of rebels, led by Alexander. Her doting uncle and critical aunt reveal that they have been nurturing the rebellion for years, hoping that she would become its leader due to her duality. With the support of Alexander, Lily decides to lead the rebellion, though she isn’t sure how.

When her mischievous souls fight again, Lily discovers through another vision that they can thwart the King: a necklace that can hone immense power kept hidden by her aunt. As the rebellion picks up, civil war breaks out. The King recaptures Lily’s loved ones and murders her mentor. She surrenders before he can kill her family.

Later, all three escape when Alexander rescues them, where Lily is severely injured. The death of her mentor causes Lily to step down as a leader. Alexander challenges her to fight back, but she still refuses despite the spark ignited by his words and love.

It takes an acquaintance of Mr. Berkley to remind Lily of what her mentor stood, and died for her to remember why she led the rebellion in the first place. Lily and the rebels rise up again. She faces the King in a devastating battle, using the necklace from her vision. This time they win.

Instead of killing the King, she orders him to live the remainder of his life running an orphanage, helping children. Accepting defeat, the King bends the knee. Lily and Alexander are chosen to be the new rulers of the Kingdom, which thrives on justice and mercy.

How about this newest version?
Word count is 500 (as its supposed to be 500 max)

1 Like
6

This is the paragraph heavy with new info, reditied:

Lily Pattrigue has two - a tiger and a dragon. According to prophecy, a child born with immense power will defeat the ruthless King. Upon learning this, the King orders the destruction of the newborn’s indicated town. Lily must not discover her two souls, and gather such formidable powers.

Got to nail down when he tries to destroy the town, for the synopsis. Was she a baby and the next time they meet he’s surprised she’s still alive?

7

The thing is about that last line is that she is already born with the dragon and acquires a new one (the tiger) later in the story
so I don’t undersand what you mean by that line? I’m confused

he actually never knew that the baby was Lily. All he knew that there was a newborn (it didnt indicate a gender or specific family) - but he will recongnize her immense power
So he’ll be very surprised knowing that she is still alive yes

8

It’s hard to edit these types of things for other people’s works because you don’t really know them?

So, if she has her dragon by birth, then that should be distinctly mentioned…

This might do it:
Lily was born with her dragon manifested, but she must not discover her Tiger, and gather such formidable powers.

1 Like
9

thank you actually you are such a great help! Ah I didn’t know I should mention that she was born with her dragon, noted.

how about this one:
Lily was born with her dragon manifested, but she must not know that she can soul-bound with her Tiger given by her doted uncle, though done unintenionally, and gather such formidable powers.

How about this version?

10

So this one, to keep the surprise firmly in place would be better?

The insecure King was surprised to find out that this prophetic child had reached adulthood. He gives her an ultimatum: marry him and comply with his devious schemes or taste death.

1 Like
11

That’s better. It does need to fit your world through your words, still.

12

Yes that does sound way stronger!

13

I did a minor edit - same message box too (maybe you can give it a look)?

14

do I make him an insecure king or a ruthless one?

15

Lily was born with her dragon manifested, but she must not learn that she can be soul-bound with her Tiger (given by her doting uncle, unintentionally), and gather such formidable powers.

Learn is a more time-dependent word, and you’re trying to gloss over roughly 18 years, here.

1 Like
16

Ruthless is stronger, and it doesn’t give you his mental state.

1 Like
17

I understand :+1:

18

okay so this is the final version reached:
but the wordc count extended to 511 words and I have a max of just 500
Any advice how can declutter it down without removing any important information?

Every human has the potential to tap into their extra soul in the form of a spirit animal. They desperately need it before they turn 18 or they risk becoming the King’s slaves. Without it, they lack the power to resist him as these souls complete their transition into magical beings.

If their animal dies, the human’s magic ceases to exist.

Lily Pattrigue has two - a tiger and a dragon. According to prophecy, a child born with immense power will defeat the ruthless King. Upon learning this, the King orders the destruction of the newborn’s indicated town. Lily was born with her dragon manifested, but she must not learn that she can be soul-bound with her Tiger (given by her doting uncle, unintentionally), and gather such formidable powers.

When these souls clash, Lily gets a strange vision of her deceased mother dancing.

After a mishap, Mr. Berkley retrieves Lily to be her mentor, and she learns to transition her powers through her mother’s dance. During this time, she learns more about herself and the meaning of her powers–which overwhelms her due to the sheer scope of what she is tasked to do.

The ruthless King was surprised to find out that this prophetic child has reached adulthood. He gives her an ultimatum: marry him and comply with his devious schemes or taste death. Separately, the King imprisons Mr. Berkley and her family to coerce them into retrieving a powerful object. Not knowing the scope of the King’s ambitions, Lily chooses death.

Before her public execution, everyone is rescued by a group of rebels, led by Alexander. Her doting uncle and critical aunt reveal that they have been nurturing the rebellion for years, hoping that she would become its leader due to her duality. With the support of Alexander, Lily decides to lead the rebellion, though she isn’t sure how.

When her mischievous souls fight again, Lily discovers through another vision that they can thwart the King: a necklace that can hone immense power kept hidden by her aunt. As the rebellion picks up, civil war breaks out. The King recaptures Lily’s loved ones and murders her mentor. She surrenders before he can kill her family.

Later, all three escape when Alexander rescues them, where Lily is severely injured. The death of her mentor causes Lily to step down as a leader. Alexander challenges her to fight back, but she still refuses despite the spark ignited by his words and love.

It takes an acquaintance of Mr. Berkley to remind Lily of what her mentor stood, and died for her to remember why she led the rebellion in the first place. Lily and the rebels rise up again. She faces the King in a devastating battle, using the necklace from her vision. This time they win.

Instead of killing the King, she orders him to live the remainder of his life running an orphanage, helping children. Accepting defeat, the King bends the knee. Lily and Alexander are chosen to be the new rulers of the Kingdom, which thrives on justice and compassion.

19

Humans have:-1

or they may become King’s slaves:-1

They would lack:-1

First paragraph, erases 3 without changing anything.

1 Like
20

If a human’s animal dies, so does their magic:-1
Down 4, now.

Lily Pattrigue will have both dragon and tiger:-1
Down 5.

Upon learning this, he orders the destruction of the newborn’s town:-2
Down 7.

1 Like