CHAOS

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also why is/was nanowrimo always in november??? that’s like, the WORST time for me :pensive_face: that’s when all of my professors collectively decide to drown us in assignments before december exam prep starts :sob:

but also, ignoring all that college chaos, if I were to do nanowrimo (or a similar thing), chances are that I couldn’t finish the entire book in one month anyway. why?

well, because after a month of writing for 2 hours almost every day, i’m at around 22k words. and, well - the reason is that not all writing goes to manuscript word count! some words go towards outlines (which i spend a decent chunk of time on) and towards character/story development/freewrites (which I spend even more time on. that’s where the story comes from in the first place.

and those outlines/development sessions can take up to a week to complete sometimes. and that’s one week of precious writing time that doesn’t add to word count. if i’m on a very tight deadline (like 30 days) that time is counted as wasted because you’re not actually adding to the manuscript word count!

however, those bits are also so important. without those, I wouldn’t be able to continue writing the book at a good quality. I also avoid writer’s block with those ‘useless’ sessions (despite the deadline’s indication that you should skip them and just write).

and yes, I can write to deadlines. i’m doing one now. I aim to have the 1st draft of Artifice, Ethereal done by Sept 13th, or othe end of summer break. ideaIly it should be before then, but I KNOW I can do it. i’ve done it before! (tho I do admit that book was 15k words, not 60k like this one… oops).

I think nanowrimo only works if you’re a complete planner OR a complete pantser. i’m a mix of both, so sometimes I have to stop and go back to the outline or jump ship from the outline and go wild with the story. it depends on the situation. and that process takes longer than just putting words on a page for 30 days or planning it all in advance and then just writing the scenes.

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also I did write and edit that book in the same 3 months. so I think that still counts???

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finished the draft of a short story in like… 20 minutes. okay, to admit - it’s not really a story, just a scene. but I think it can still count as one, cuz well, there’s a conflict.

will leave it here until I feel like editing it. which is, probably never. potentially tomorrow. idk. it’s 12 am over here and my brain is slowly shutting down lol.

short story title: spawn of satan

there is always something to be said about typewriters. as a writer, they are my personal obsession. the satisfying click! of the keys as they tap accross the page is something straight from heaven. it makes me feel like a real poet, especially since writing poems on an old typewriter to the sound of rain in a cosy office is the steryotypical sad poet aesthetic.

as I sit in my office chair, rain pours outside from the sky in a drizzle. I wonder why exacly I know this sounds like a lofi sound from the 21st century, but I do. I no clue about this strange witchcraft, only that it’s completely absurt to know what lofi is in the 18th century after Christ.

it’s blasphemy to think that for this exact moment, the smell of the air pressure lowering is not a gift from God, but a simple physics equation perfected through millennia of time influencing space. it’s also blasphemy to hypothesize that the rain is not the tears of Our Lady Mary as she weeps for Jesus, but simple condensation in the air that then returns to Earth with a dramatic downpour of emotionless drops.

it’s absurd to know these things, so where are they coming from? i’ve never seen anything like these thoughts! i’ve never travelled through time and space, never seen distant pasts or the many potential futures that lie before me… and I’m not a heretic! i’ve had my questions, but i’ve also had them answered so long ago!

I sit down in front of my typwriter. I press one key, then another, fidgeting with the sound of the keyoard. I write a word - ice - and then a flurry hits my every sense. I no longer smell the hickory and varnish of my desk. my office chair’s softness vanishes from beneath me. the rain lashes harder in my ears, and i can’t seen anything at all, only the vast expanse of frozen water, everywhere around me. all I still feel is the freesing cold on my arms as my indoor outfit flaps in the wind. my teeth chatter as frost assaults my senses, relentlesly freezing me to my very bones.

and then, as quickly as it came, it goes, and i’m once again left stitting in my office chair, somehow no longer freezing and covered in snow. a thought - a new thought - circles around my head, and once again, it’s not something i’m supposed to know?

“polar bears are an endangered species. we need to stop polluting the air and causing climate change so that they can survive and maintaint their place at the top of the food chain.”

satan be damned! it’s the typewriter! of course it’s the typewriter! this blasphemy to the name of God must be coming from the cursed object before me!

I grab the pages in the paper slot and throw them into the fire in the corner of the room. then, I grab the typewriter and dash out the door.

this witchcraft shall not stand in this house! I think, rummaging my brain for direction to the nearest church. I need an excorcist. Now.

“why don’t you just use Google Maps?” a thought pops into my head.

“Damn you, spawn of Satan!” I scream, and run towards the church, the route to which has suddenly appeared in my head.

I got inspired by Calmly, the replacement for Frostwriter. it has typerwriter sounds. so natually, I started stimming with them, and writing for writing’s sake… and a story was born. hehe.

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@Taglist

I guess it’s time to actually act my body’s age and ak for advice on normal 20 yo person things instead of ranting about the latest kitchen appliances or smth

advice? or maybe just hugs.

God, I’m burnt out from exams. It’s so hard all the fucking time dealing with school. It’s like a hamster wheel I’m not allowed to get off of. Well, I am, but then I’m punished.

School was initially designed to produce factory workers who don’t think too hard and do as they’re told. As someone who really likes thinking about things, asking if they ACTUALLY make sense, and if there’s a better way to do a set task, the existing system really doesn’t go well with me. I won’t listen to authority just because they’re authority. Like, power doesn’t make people any less fallible. In fact, it might make them worse.

Authority figures have a tendency to get stuck in their ways. As i learned when talking to my gf, most people feel like reflecting on themselves and improving how they are as a human and a member of society will kill them (and i mean this literally). Power amplifies this, because it’s something that gives people an ego boost, neurologically speaking. If they already feel good about themselves, why should they change? Esp if changing is already so scary they run from it.

Example: it took me a seizure and a concussion for one of my professors to take my statements about my health seriously. Like, what the hell.

and maybe some are good at it, the majority aren’t. which… the majority def includes my entire school’s physics department. :((

And what pains me the most is that I love learning! I would LOVE to learn in an environment where I don’t feel like an afterthought. Where my free thinking is welcomed and built upon, and I’m not treated as some defective idiot for having an actual functioning brain.

I’m also so done with the strict schedules and imposed routines. Why do I have to be in a class at 9 am that I could easily study for at 5 pm and be able to focus WAY better at it? Why do I have to be bombarded with assignments every week that I have to study for OUTSIDE of 30 hours of classes? I hate that guilt in the back of my brain that tells me I’m never doing enough work even when it’s 11 pm and I spent 12 hours that day on hw and nothing else.

I had 3 lab reports that I finished just now with minimal sanity loss, but that was only because I was ABLE to control my schedule, put everything on pause, and then knock them out in three days and 6 hours total. That wouldn’t be possible in a normal semester! Like, come on. I want my time back.

And the last thing I really hate is that everyone thinks that piece of paper (aka your degree) says more about you than anything else in your life. No matter how good you actually are, no degree = no job because you’re incompetent, apparently.

This is especially true in Germany, where the people are so slow to change that a snail would move faster. Unfortunately I’m planning to move there, so idk what to do. I feel trapped and suffocated and idk what t di bc i want to drop out of uni SO BAD because it’s murdering me. But the world sucks and I guess I have to play along for one more year?

I just want a break, please… I just want it all to stop…
My gf’s not making it better, she’s a lot older than me, and according to her life experience, you need a degree, and it would make it more stable for me if i just finished.

For context, i have 1 more year left and it would be a bit easier because i gained some skills that would help me navigate the year better, and that half the year is legit just sitting ina lab all day collecting data (which sounds like heaven to me if i have an interesting project lol).m i have the disability office on my side now, and they can help me advocate for myself.

I’m so lost, I don’t know what to do, who to listen to, and what’s wrong and what’s right. I hate that i’m fucking 20 and my life choices now can literally ‘ruin my life’ if i don’t make the right ones.

I just want an outside perspective, please?

I’d love to learn and get a degree if i was allowed to actually exist.

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Summary

This is a real pain point for me as someone with non-24. School was pain, working was pain. Eventually my boss realized he didn’t ACTUALLY need me in the office from 8:30AM multiple days a week. Moved me over to freelancing, 3 days a week, whatever hours I damn well pleased from the comfort of my lounge. When you get into the world of work, you’ll find there’s some leeway for schedules, making your own schedules, and having a better balance between studying/work, and your own free time.

This is something I can’t really argue against, BUT gradually things are getting a bit better and the emphasis is placed more on actual skills than a degree.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so lost. 20 is a rough age, because you’re technically an adult and staring down the rest of your life, but… you’re also barely experienced with much of anything, so it can be terrifying. The upside is that your life cannot be ruined by anything you do right now (within reason, of course, lol). Every “life ruiner” can be worked back from, no matter what it is. There’s no permanent record and nothing that will ever be a permanent mark against you.

TLDR: make mistakes. Make the wrong decisions. Try your best, but know that even if you ‘fail’, there is no mistake so great it cannot be corrected. At 20, almost everything is simply a minor setback, I promise. Fwiw, I made pretty much every mistake in the book, and I’m doing fine.

Go easy on yourself, things will work out. As for uni, I’m not sure where you are or how it works (I got kicked out, lmao), but can you take a year off and pick back up afterwards? Or even transfer to an online-first university? Those don’t have strict time requirements (beyond finishing modules on time), and might work better for you.

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thanks for the advice. :))

i’ll reply to the rest soon, but just adding context.

unfortunately I can’t pause uni. I can quietly quit (whcih means technically i’m enrolled, I just ignore it) but I can’t defer. if I do i’ll be yeeted back to where I came from (Canada) because my immigration permission hinges on my ability to study. so they don’t fucking care that my entire life is here and I haven’t lived in canada since I was 6. it’s ‘be useful or leave’ and I have like 2-3 days to get out of the country once my permission ends. :sparkles:

i’m also so scared of being miserable. i’m not in a good state mentally rn, and I just can’t seem to get my shit together, no matter how hard I try. rn it’s 3 am, i’m awake and online bc my head can’t stop spinning about all the things that I am responsible for…

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I’m so sorry to hear that, that’s a really tough situation to find yourself in. Really sucks they can’t understand that taking some time away is what will MAKE you useful in the long run. Just hang in there. Sometimes, when I am having a period of “holy shit, this is hell”, I try to focus on the outcome more than the present. At one point, I even made a hand-written calendar where I could tick off each day until I was free from it. My partner said it was depressing to watch, but it was the only thing that got me through lol.

Potentially unwanted advice on distracting yourself here, censored in case you don't want it! Don't feel pressured into reading it, I know it's annoying

Try to get some sleep, if you can. Probably all the usual “ohhh think of nice things, do some meditation” has already been attempted, so all I’d offer is… a relaxing game, if you have a laptop or PC. Not Sims or Stardew. When I was going through a really rough patch, I bought myself a game called Little Friends: Puppy Island. An hour of that and my heart rate was the lowest it’s been in years, I was falling asleep, and whatever was bothering me seemed to melt away. Ranch of Rivershine was also a good distraction for me. Neither of those games are the things I’d usually play (I mostly play Dead by Daylight, Marvel Rivals, Elden Ring etc), but they worked.

On the other side, really difficult games like Elden Ring and Silksong have proved a blessing for when I’m feeling miserable/overwhelmed, because they give me something to REALLY focus on, and gives me a sense of pride - though a lot of people don’t work that way mentally, and they might make you worse.

On non-gaming stuff, lack of sleep will heighten all these negative emotions you’ve got going on. I, obviously, don’t know your workload or current schedule details, but if there’s a way to condense your studies as much as possible so you can give yourself even 30 minutes a day of doing ~absolutely nothing~, then try to do it. Stare at a wall for a while, let yourself listen to a silly podcast or read a book, or just meditate. Even 10 minutes a day of silence without guilt works miracles for your mental health. I’ve started doing it first thing - I wake up and take my heart medication in bed, sip some water, and just stare at a wall for a while. Doesn’t seem like much, but, it was recommended to me in therapy and it does work, a bit.

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Also curse Ireland for having the dun down at 11 pm and it rise at like 4:30 am

My sleep is non-existent this summer :sob:

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Yuuuup. It’s brutal. I’m waking up around 11PM-midnight rn (hence me being awake now lol). The only thing that’s working for us is keeping all blinds drawn until about 9PM, then opening them and all the windows to let the heat piss off. Longing for autumn now T_T

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It’s 4:15 and this is the window

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I’m not complaining, atm I’ve given up on sleep. Just it’s sardonically funny.

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oooooooooof. That is TERRIBLE. It’s darker than that here but not by much. I hate having the blinds open but it’s the only thing saving me rn T_T The upside is, I’ve been able to watch all the beautiful birds on a morning. Eurasian magpies, pigeons, crows, rooks, you name it.

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Oh yes, the burst are super pretty. We have a magpie nest right next to our window. They’re really cool up close :grin:

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They are so cool! I haven’t spotted an owl yet but I hear them calling away. I think a bird was trying to get my attention the other day, it was calling outside my window staring at me for a long time. Couldn’t quite ID it, the only ID I could get was Stellar’s Jay… which should not be in the UK. Hoping to see some more crows, too.

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Great idea. Not kidding. I’ll do that.

I keep getting told that, but I always get so mad about it bc it feels like a false promise

Although “it gets better” probably isn’t the best thing to tell yourself. Maybe “this is the best choice for me in the long run and I am doing this because I want myself to truly be able to be happy sometime” is better.

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I hope the calendar helps you like it helped me. It sounds pathetic, but… sometimes you really just need to know that “this will be over in X days”. And the outcome to focus on doesn’t need to be better, per se. Just “not this”. For me when I was using the calendar, I focused on “I might be in a worse situation, but this part will be over”. Sounds miserable, now that I say it out loud :joy:

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OMG my girlfriend and I had this like week long argument about some bird call. So there was this car alarm that sounded like a bird and I thought it was a bird that sounded an her alarm, and she thought it was the other thing.

It wasn’t a bird. So… she won the bet :rofl:

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I usually say “something will change”. Cuz my main issue is that I get so stressed I have no energy for what I love anymore… ESP bc I’m noise sensitive and a lot of events are draining bc of that. Usually I can handle a few a week but at that point it’s impossible :sob:

So I get trapped in the loop of “lonely or sensory hell? Have fun!”

Something changing is usually fun. Even if it’s not for the better, at least it’s interesting, and interesting =/= boring. ^-^

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Eugh yeah, I feel that. I can leave the house once a week, at most, and even that takes a lot of recovery. I was hoping that the ADHD meds would help, but they just cranked up my intolerance for sound/light/smells/change to 100. I’ve got a routine that works for me now, and all it took was… 28 years, multiple diagnoses, medication, and spite (and radical acceptance of myself and my disabilities). :sweat_smile::joy:

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I feel that :rofl:

I’m still in the beginning stages of getting to know me lol. I’ve learned a lot but ig there’s always more to learn

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