I’m currently writing me as a therapist! So far she’s inadvertently killed three patients. You ought to try it…it’s a lot of fun! ☜(ˆ▿ˆc)
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Lol, Churro Therapist has given up and burned down the office, has went out drinking and come back in the morning, and doesn’t remember why the office isn’t there… and is like…
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You guys are wanting to get married?
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Me, personally? No 
Not yet.
I meant when people get married, for the thoughts on married life.
First week of block 2 aint over yet already feel like there’s a bunch to do, sigh
Just gotta take it one day at a time
Got a group presentation coming up in 9 minutes, haven’t rehearsed but my part is pretty easy, just gotta read over my notes
Plus this is for a pass/fail course, so, as long as I do my part I should be fine!
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Did some more desk organizing setup because I needed to.
Now, I am going to relax with some One Piece: RED (it’s a movie) while I work a bit on Red Reign: The Breaking of Renna.
Slightly fitting, huh?
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Beer makes the dead come to life.
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I have a sudden craving to read a fantasy epic, but I don’t know what. I just know I want to go on a journey. I can hear my unread fantasy ebooks scream for attention as I type this. Maybe Priory?
I’ve got the Wolf Hall trilogy staring at me now, shoot.
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My mind is chaotic now and I can’t seem to stop tearing up.
Yeah, I should have know things would get heavy when I made that thread.
…such is life.
I read that thread. What’s the problem?
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Honestly, it is just me venting and getting even more upset as I vent out frustrations that is leaving me in tears.
So, I am expressing myself while succumbing to wanting to break down and cry, but I don’t want to full-blown cry. I rather just tear up or calm down.
Yeah, I am just struggling on a mental and emotional level right now.
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When’s your appoinment? It’ll probably go fine. You’re not a little kid anymore like you were when you were first diagnosed, remember? You can talk to the doctor now in a way you couldn’t back then. Remember that and dry your tears, dood. It’ll be different this time, and if the doc doesn’t seem to take you seriously, you have options for reporting it and/or getting a second opinion. It’ll work out somehow. Now dry those pwetty red eyes! ( ˆ◡ˆ)۶ ٩(˘◡˘ )
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It’s this coming Saturday.
I know and I understand.
Thanks for making me laugh and cry a bit.
I know I should keep fighting because that is all I want to do in the end.
The truth scares me, yet living a constant lie scares me even more.
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I am feeling a bit better than yesterday.
I will attempt to get some writing in for today.
I really want to figure this Alagossian story out.
I shall call it The Pillar of Salvation: Trials of Savior Fenian | Book 1.
Yeah…I either made it cooler or something less cooler.
Meh, who cares I like it and that is all that matters in the end.
I’m trying to figure out how to write an important argument scene between two prince brothers, the current leader of the turned-rogue royal army, the different-species general the army would follow to the ends of the world, the prince brothers’ sister who has a hot temper, AND not to forget, one or both of the princes have lied to the entire country.
So.
That’s a mess. It’ll probably turn into a big discussion about who is fit to lead, to rule, and why the lies and if they can be forgiven…
I have to somehow lead it into Bethany saying “ENOUGH PEOPLE!” and give an epic speech that turns her into the leader she’s meant to be.
It’s a puzzle. How can I make it so that it leads to that? 
I’m thinking all this when I really need to be working on my research project for my professor-boss.
I would rather think about how to write an argument in a fantasy world 
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The argument can evolve into something physical. Maybe the princes start with their different world views and what’s best for the people and the army which devolves into personal attacks. They might bring up a sore topic. And then bam! something physical. They could pull a sword, or smash an object or throw a punch. And the sister swoops in to say “Enough!”
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Okay thinking about finding a basic but still new and also a touchscreen laptop from HP that is affordable-ish.
I say “ish” because there are two versions of the laptop that is over three hundred dollars and for someone who has zero cash on her, that is expensive.
Yet, if I still have money, that would be really reasonably priced.
It is also still Windows 11 home.
I love how simple but reasonably priced it is.
I just need to write my stories, use the internet of course, possibly edit videos (that is optional), stream shows, and other little things.
So, yeah, I really need a new laptop, not because mine is old which is it fairly is, but if you shake there’s a rattling sound inside, regardless of it working properly, besides the issues of the past, along with the inability to use your wired headphones for it. So, I would have to bluetooth headphones to listen to music and stuff.
So, I have a semi-older laptop and desktop that I can trade-in at Best Buy when I am able to, in order to get the laptop I’ve been eyeing at the moment.
Yeah…fun.
Got to log out of this site because it is 2:46pm and I have NOT WRITTEN ANYTHING and distraction is a bitch and a half!
I need to go because I am getting too distracted and keep procrastinating.
I just need a few hours to write.
I would turn the internet off on my laptop to make it better, but I need it to use Google.
Unless, I use that Microsoft knock-off document app instead.
Bingo! I shall see you all later!
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I’m gonna reply just because I don’t want to make another thread that ties into a few others on here. Feel free to read on, skim, or move on with your life. This is gonna be long, so sorry in advance.
What is on my mind at the moment? Everything and nothing at the same time.
I’m in the process of trying to get out of a depressive episode that’s hit real deep. Part of me doesn’t even know why I’m still in this dark stage, yet… here I am. I’ve been depressed since I was little, and generally comes in waves every once in a while because I’ll have my bad days and good days, and sometimes, I’ll have moments where it doesn’t even seem present for a good long while… which is kind of what happened recently. Everything seemed good. Job is great. My sister’s been feeling a little better from her breakup. We have a new car. I’ve got Taylor Swift tickets. I’m saving up for a trip to California this summer. I may be broke and in debt, but I had high spirits.
And then last week happened.
For the past few weeks, I’d been feeling a bit drained at work—nothing to do about stress at work, it’s just working every day is exhausting. Waking up so early, trying to get eight or nine hours of sleep in, and somehow deal with not only work but cleaning and cooking and shopping and all other sorts of chores… it can become tiring real quick. And sure, my sisters help in all of this… a little bit. Partially because they’re off doing their own things, and partially because I just take over as I continuously feel like it’ll never get done and then all the blame gets put onto me because I’m not doing it and they’re not doing it and “I’m at home, I can clean, I can cook…; they were out at youth groups, at the friend’s house, etc. I had time.”
And sometimes, it really does come to that, and I feel like I’m the only one cleaning and cooking and doing things around the house. Appreciation doesn’t always go unnoticed, but it’s not enough. And if I ask for help, we get into fights because “the house isn’t that bad” or “can it wait, I’d destressing from school” or “can it wait, I’m talking to this guy in Texas or Nebraska.” Like, no. It can’t wait. Because if it does, it’ll never get done. So, I do all the work by myself because I can’t rely on others to do it for me. And I feel as though it’s cutting into work as well because I try to get here an hour earlier to start opening everything–while not clocked in because they don’t like overtime—just because I’m the only one opening since, many times, whoever is my front/back/in children’s doesn’t even help with anything. Our director sent an email about this like a few months ago where they’re supposed to come up and help with opening, and they ask… but they ask like ten minutes before we’re supposed to open the doors. Or sometimes, I’ve gotten to the point—if they ask early on—on saying no because I feel as though nothing can be done right because I have to be a control freak.
So trying to get here early has put a damper on my burnout. Then there’s technology. First of all, our washer broke down earlier last week and I haven’t had my laundry done in two weeks now. I typically have this routine where I get laundry done on my weekend—preferably on Friday nights, but usually on Saturdays. And now I have two full loads that need to be done and oh my god, how much time and effort it’s gonna be.
Then the car breaks down… and it hasn’t been that long since I killed my parents’ van. It’s been like, what, a month or two since I got stuck in traffic with their van smoking everywhere and won’t turn on, and how their mechanic said it was beyond repair. I still feel horrific about it, even after they told me it’s okay and that it reached its lifespan (it has over 240K miles on it with a few leaks here and there that they never got fixed). But now the car my sister gave me (after I financed the new one) got shot last week because the starter wasn’t any good. That was when my mental breakdown occurred because I couldn’t take it anymore. So it got towed, looked at, a new starter replaced and thankfully my parents paid all 700 toward its fix. But then two days ago, it breaks down on me again… this time the battery light came on and it basically turned the car off. Thankfully, I was literally right next to our house so I didn’t have to get stuck somewhere, but it’s a brand new freaking battery. So I don’t even know what could be wrong with it now. They got it towed yesterday.
But I just felt so horrible, and plus, I overheard my sister talking to our mom about how we’re on our own for the next cost toward any other car repairments… which has stressed me out greatly because neither of us can afford another few hundred dollars. But it got towed again and it’s being looked at.
And finally, there’s this constant feeling gnawing its way inside me, screaming that I’m a burden to everyone and everything. I’m a burden to my parents because I keep damaging cars and can’t afford anything, so they have to constantly bail me out. I’m a burden to my sisters because I’m always in the way and feel crappy whenever they have plans of their own when I don’t, and for my older sister, I feel like a burden when she has to bail me out of stuff too like asking her friends to tow the cars or look at it or having her drive me to and from work. Last night, she was off at youth group and hadn’t received my text about me being off at work (I work until 7pm twice a week) and not knowing how long it’d be, I ended up walking all the way to her church (luckily it’s not far from my job, but there’s a damn hill that killed me) just to drive myself back home because I felt like a burden having her to leave to pick me up. And then I feel like a burden to staff because if I’m outside, waiting for my ride, some of them will wait with me and I feel horrible because they have better things to do. Right before we locked the doors and everything, my manager had said her fiance ordered Applebees for dinner, and as I was walking to the church, she came up next to me in her car asking if I needed a ride, and I told her no because I felt like I was intruding on her life—she was on her way to pick up dinner. Why would I make her drive me anywhere when she has plans of her own?
I couldn’t do anything I wanted this last weekend, and this upcoming Sunday is my birthday and I just feel horrible about that too because I hate getting older because I feel like my life is going nowhere at the moment and how it’ll just stay the same way forever.
And I keep all of my feelings bottled up inside because I feel like a burden. My feelings are insignificant on the grand scheme of things. I grew up bottling it all up because everyone has stress and they don’t need my dumb emotions to get in the way of that. They don’t need more stress piled on top of theirs. Not to mention, what is talking going to do? Talking about it doesn’t make me feel any better because it’s still there. It still hurts. I still feel those feelings.
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This ADHD is a MASSIVE pain in the ass.
Now, I am pissed and annoyed with EVERYTHING in my life!
I feel like crying a bit, but it isn’t hitting me too hard…yet like yesterday.
I’ve been stressed and EATING TOO MUCH!!!
Seriously, what the actual fuck?! 